No One is Greater Than the Other

I told someone yesterday that I was going to stop writing because no one is reading, much less reacting, to my blogs or posts on Facebook that are not just memes (except for a couple of my faithful friends). So what is the point?

I have been reverting back to my self-doubt lately. I realized this morning, it has a lot to do with the change in behavior of someone toward me or should I say, his reversion back to the way he used to treat me. I thought we were in a new place. I thought he had started to recognize that I am not only a sincerely good person, but am also very blessed with many talents – talents that have been wasting away.

But, his old attitude toward me was beginning to be more and more prevalent. He and his attitude was the main reason I was doubting myself again. I let this person, once again, get into my head. I let his attitude affect my attitude.

God’s Love is so overwhelming. He, of course, knew I was backsliding at the first hint that the other person was reverting back to treating me in a way that caused me to start doubting myself. He, of course, knew that both my self-doubt and this person’s behavior toward me would get worse. But the Lord was having none of it.

First, He reminded me why I write. I do it in case it can help someone else who has experienced something I have; or need to hear some encouragement; or gives a different perspective, etc.. And yes, sometimes because it is simply cathartic. Then He laid on my heart that wanting to stop writing was just another way I was not appreciating Him and the talents He has given me. To doubt those talents was to doubt His Gifts.

I then thought about the reason this person has such an effect on me. He is a great man, a holy Priest, and is such a good person in so many ways. Too often, I feel if he is disappointed in me or does not like me, then God would feel the same way, since he is so close to God. But, I started thinking about how the Lord has shown me his faults too. Ones that I have defended or excused away for years, but have been unable to do so lately. Prayed about them yes, but excuse some of them totally away, no. I thought about his own words lately about others opinions or that no one is above another or that we should feel we could say anything to him, even it it was about him. So I focused on the fact that neither of us are perfect. Both are sinners. Both have both good and bad qualities. Both are equal in His Sight.

I was also reminded that my blog has been getting more views than ever before and they are reading back posts – not just current. BUT, no reactions. I can take it as a good sign that they are reading past posts, but does that really mean I am helping anyone or that they are any good?

Despite all of the Lord’s efforts to keep me positive, I was in tears this morning. I could not get this person off my mind and the fact that he was back to treating me like I was a cross he had to bear. Why? After things had been going so well. What had I done or said? What did I do or not do?

But then, I was like – wait. I haven’t done anything but try to be supportive, helpful, and available. I wanted to call or go to his office and just say – “What is your problem?”. Instead, I started writing (not this blog). I knew that what I was writing was simply for cathartic purposes and that I would NEVER publish it, but maybe if I wrote it all down, it would give me the courage to actually say something to him. Or if I could just get it all out, maybe I could stop letting him have such a significant impact on me.

While I was writing it, I received an email from someone who does seem to recognize my intelligence, talents, and actually seems to like me as a person. I took care of the email and then went back to writing.

I then received a notification that someone had liked my latest blog. I clicked on it, only to find out 3 people had liked it. This blog that I originally shared to FB but deleted after a short time for many reasons. This blog that I thought was more cathartic than helpful. This blog that I thought anyone reading it would think that I was a petty bitch. This blog, that again, was not out there for anyone to just click on out of curiosity from a FB post, was getting viewed by several and a few were taking the time to react to it.

The tears have stopped. I am renewed in my vow to just keep being me no matter what. I will continue to write, offer my time and talents, and be available to any and all who need me or want my assistance. Hopefully, it will help someone. Hopefully, it will continue to encourage me. But most importantly, I sincerely hope that it remains a constant reminder of how good God truly is and how He has blessed me, even if some do not recognize those blessings in me.