The Night I Failed to Trust (The Devastating Consequence)

Since beginning Adoration, there has been only one time I really thought about how to trust Him when it came to a physical threat (well, other than being a passenger in a car or on a plane LOL). It was with that incident that He first started really teaching me about trust (albeit I am a slow learner).

Within the first few months of doing Adoration, I arrived for my normal 3 O’clock hour. I saw 2 men in a car in the parking lot. Just sitting there. I did not give them much thought until about 15 mins later when they came into the Church. At that time, the Church was unlocked at all times.

We did not have the chapel yet, so Adoration was in the cry room. One stayed up front, the other came toward the cry room. I had never locked the door before and had they not separated, I don’t think I would have that night. The one tried to get in and then kept banging on the door, yelling to let him in. I called 911 and asked they just come check it out.

Almost immediately, I started feeling guilty. The police arrived and called me out of Adoration to talk to them. The story the guys gave them was bogus, but they did not think they meant me any harm. Later, I found out that one of them was known to often come by and just ask for money. Anyway, when I went back to Adoration, I apologized to Jesus for leaving Him alone. I heard His voice for the first time in my heart/head. What He said, chilled me to the bone.

“Why didn’t you trust Me?”

I thought He was just hurt by being left alone. I vowed that I would do everything in my power to never let that happen again (which is why I do so many substitute Adorations in addition to scheduled hours at “hard to cover” times).

What I thought was just a lesson in trust and commitment to Him, where no one else was really harmed (the men were not detained), turned into a very costly lesson on how, when we choose with our own free will not to trust Him, others can be severely hurt.

That morning, one of the officers said he was going to talk to Msgr. about leaving the Church unlocked. Just a couple months later, they came up with the “code” and the Church was locked overnight. My heart sank. I had been a part, if not the actual cause, of locking out someone who might really NEED to get to Jesus. How many nights, before finding out about Adoration, did I stop in that Church when I was desperate, lonely, lost, devastated? I was not a parishioner. I just found myself in the area one night and tried the door. Now my actions, fears, lack of trust have taken that opportunity away from others. It was the last Church in Memphis where anyone could go at any time to be with Him and now, He had been taken away from them.

So why am I writing about this now?

Last night I was at a meeting. The discussion led to recent violent crime in our parish neighborhood and a nearby Church. One of the gentlemen started talking about safety for those of us who do overnight Adoration. He made the statement that if someone comes knocking on the door/window, EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY HAVE TO SEE JESUS, we should not let them in under any circumstances. Although I do not fault anyone for wanting to protect themselves especially when they have a family, job, and people who are counting on them, I do not fall into any of those categories anymore. So those words were almost as devastating to hear as Jesus’s were all those many years ago. I could not help but recall the consequences of my actions.

When my Mom was alive, she would often express her concerns with me “being out all hours of the night” going to Adoration. After the incident, I was no longer afraid going, being there, or going back home. I would tell her that and then would remind her – if something happened, I could be a martyr. 🙂

So on this Feast of the Martyrdom of St. John the Baptist, I renew my commitments I made that morning and a couple months later: I will never knowingly leave Jesus in Exposition alone again. I will continue to try to trust Jesus at all times, but absolutely at Adoration, in order that I never be an impediment again to someone who wants or needs to be in His Presence!