Will I Ever Let Go of the Guilt? Will August Ever Let Me?

I have found myself being stressed, anxious, and emotional this week. Yes, several things went wrong last week, but, I had been grateful for how much worse they could have been and consistently considered what others are having to deal with in their lives. I am truly blessed and I know it, so what the heck is wrong with me.

It started Monday at Mass at the Consecration. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and unworthiness. The tears welled up. Jesus did everything to console me, even coming to me in His Special Way. I seemed to be a bit better, but bam – again, everything I did or said, I second guessed. I apologized for things that were not really wrong to the extent the recipients of the apologies were like “what???”. I could not shake the feeling of guilt.

It reached a peak this morning. As I sat in tears, I picked up something – and there it was – I don’t know how it got there, but there it was. My Mother’s obituary. The tears came harder. I still, though, could not understand why- why already – why this is the 2nd year in a row that most of August, I was like this. She didn’t die until the 30th. Then I realized, it was not her death (necessarily) that I felt the guilt over. Her death was the relief of her pain, plus, I truly believe that God has assigned our date and nothing I should have done would have changed that. It was what transpired leading up to it, that I feel so guilty over – the fact that if I had not just been so self-centered, she would not have had to be in sooo much pain those last three weeks.

I should have said something when I noticed her stomach was swollen. I KNOW what that symptom means. I should have insisted the Doctor take the x-ray. I should have demanded that the Dr. find the cause of Mom’s back pain instead of accepting the doctor’s ASSUMPTION that it was arthritis. If I had, she would have seen the blockage. Instead, I simply reminded the doctor of her promise to cut the callous off Mom’s foot. I should have noticed how tired and listless Mom was getting. That hour that the doctor worked on it took everything out of Mom. She was never the same again.

I should have slept on the floor in her room that night when I knew she was in bad shape. It is not like I have not slept on the floor numerous times in my life. Had I been in the room instead of on the couch, I would have heard her try to get up. I should have called the ambulance the second I found her that next morning instead of worrying whether or not she would get mad if I called them, or taking the time to clean her up.

The last time I spoke to her when she was awake, I should have told her I loved her – not chastise her for messing with her oxygen mask. I should have stayed with her, held her hand, kissed her forehead, prayed with her. Instead I called my sister and said I couldn’t handle it any more – I needed someone to replace me. I never saw my mother awake again. She died 36 hrs later..

I know that guilt is a weapon of satan, but I am still so self-centered that I feel God is allowing it as a stark reminder how selfish I can be. Even, so much so, that the gift of this reminder is causing me to perpetuate that selfishness and self-centeredness by negatively affecting my attitude with (if not actually hurting) others by my emotions.

I pray that this will be the last August of self-centeredness. The lesson I am hoping to learn is how to remember so that I continue to strive for selflessness, but keep the peace of God within me, despite my guilt.