I Know I Have Been Changed

I thank God and His people, especially one, for being able to write this one. A few weeks ago, my beloved Pastor said in his homily that we should take 1 step at a time and try to accomplish one thing each day; that we should not expect to be changed overnight. At the time, my thoughts were, I didn’t expect it overnight, but man it has been years. But, as I always try to do, I took his words to heart. Each day, I strove to overcome a fault, change my attitude about something, or choose a task to complete that day. Some days, I was successful. Some days, not so much. I know I have a long way to go, but the last 36 hours almost proved Father wrong about being changed overnight 🙂

2 days ago I posted about my opinion of the difference between not being included and being excluded. Yesterday, my opinion seemed to be validated. I spent the morning with a group of ladies who did not know me from Adam, who work together (and have for years), know each others families,and appeared to be good friends. As a result, I could not really participate in most of their conversations, but at no time did I feel excluded. By their attitudes, body language, and especially their genuineness, I felt totally at ease and accepted, even though I think I only said 5 sentences in the 4 hrs we were together. They didn’t try to force the issue or fake including me, which I appreciated.

When thinking about that last night, I was giving them ALL the credit. 99% of it was them, but then He reminded me that I chose to sit at that table. I could have waited to see where others would sit that I did know and who I could talk to/relate to, but I chose to step out of my comfort zone. Even more so, I did not focus on myself and how I did not “fit in”, but rather listened to their discussions, interjected when appropriate,and remained silent if I had nothing to contribute. I, too, did not try to force the issue or fake my attitude with them. Huuuuuge step #1.

I did have many frustrations yesterday that I tried not to focus upon (i.e., swapping Lectoring days when it turned out not to be necessary, air mattress leaking and so the back was acting up, many other minor irritations), but I have to admit they did bother me more than I would have preferred. These frustrations seemed to amplify last evening. I had some wins and some losses. It started when I “perceived” an attitude coming from someone I deeply care about. After that, it became obvious that, with a discussion I had with 2 people last week, they did not trust when I said I was only using myself as example to make a point. I was trying to give feedback on both how their choice of words and actions were being perceived, and how it was undoing what they were so very diligently trying to accomplish. Last night, it seemed to me, they were just trying to appease me personally.

Huuuuuge step #2. I hate being patronized and that is what I felt was happening. Then, He reminded me that I do not know what is truly in others hearts nor the extent of their sincerity. He told me, if they were just patronizing me, then I need to prove that their decision was right, no matter why they made it. The best way to take the focus off of me and for them to consider the bigger picture, is actually for me to be excel in what they now have assigned me to do. If I am successful, maybe that will underscore an understanding of the point I was trying to make. I was then able to just enjoy all of the people and events for the rest of the evening.

Today, I woke up with a LOT of guilt. First and foremost was a recognition of my seemingly never ending self-centeredness. My first thought was about the above mentioned perception of the “attitude” of someone towards me. When reflecting on it, I realized that I was the one who had the attitude. I had let the frustrations of the day affect me and I personalized EVERYTHING. This was something I had so hard tried to get away from especially in regard to this person. I realized I had taken steps back not forward. But, I was determined that I would put that guilt to good use. I would increase my prayers and fasting. Whether or not, that person even noticed my attitude, I knew what I had done, and, I would make amends at least to God for it. Huuuuuge step #3 (Recognition of my self-centeredness, and making amends rather than just wallowing in my guilt).

The above 3 steps were not a total surprise. I had been working on all 3 of them lately, and knew, eventually God would get through to me. But the 4th step… I did not see that one coming. I had been working on it for years. I had all but given up hope that He would “fix” this part of me. I would do better and then wham, back into my old ways. It had moved up to a primary focus ever since the first time Father said to me “Take it easy”, but I never really felt I was truly successful at it until today.

Every minor but irritating thing that could go wrong, went wrong this morning. You name it, it happened. After every incident, I would remind myself that I knew someone who would love that these be the only thing they had to deal with today. I surprisingly was taking everything in stride. The only thing that caused me momentary stress was the realization that I was out of checks and my rent was due today. But even with that, I calmly reasoned I would just have to go get a money order from the bank. I planned on doing so before Mass, but, like I said, everything was disruptive today. So, I simply changed the plan to go after Mass.

What appeared to be a small step turned into the huuuuuuuge step #4. I go to Mass, I said something that I regretted because of what transpired shortly thereafter, I stumbled over a couple words when doing the 1st Reading, my voice cracked when singing the Alleluia, but somehow I remained focused (that somehow, of course was Mother). I leave convinced the rest of the day was “under control”. I had my plan. I would complete my tasks, and I would thank God for all of His assistance.

I get in my car – it won’t start. It is 100 degrees, I am not in the shade, and 15 minutes later – still won’t start. Anyone who knows me knows I get extremely irritable when I am hot. I am short tempered, emotional, and sometimes over dramatic. To my surprise, I did not panic. I did not get angry. I did not even get irritated. I considered my options, both immediate (what I should do about my rent if I could not get it started), and future (getting maintenance on the car). I decided to just go back into Church and give the car and myself a bit of time to cool off. I prayed the Rosary, not for the car to start, but because I was afraid if this did turn into a major incident, I might not get it in. I was shocked that I did not once focus on what was or had happened in the past 34 hours.

40 minutes later, I return to the car saying a quick prayer that it would start. It did not, but I still did not get angry or irritable. I tried for about 15 more minutes. I debated whether I could walk to the bank and then to pay my rent; did I have time to call Enterprise and rent a car and still make it in time before the deadline; or should I just call Sunshine, explain the situation, find out what the late payment is and just drop the total off tomorrow. I opted for the latter. I called Sunshine and was immediately put on hold.

After a few minutes, I decided to try the car again. It started. I praised God and hung up the phone. But then I realized that I would have to turn it off at the bank. I simply prayed, I will deal with whatever You give me, Lord. I proceed to the closest branch. Turn off the car, go in, only to find that that branch had closed. But I STILL was calm and at peace. I googled the next closest branch. I realized it was only about a mile from Sunshine, so I knew I could walk there if I had to. I just needed the car to start now in order to get to the other bank. I turned the key – the car started. I find the branch, go in, get my money order, and return to the car. I told God, I just need to get this rent paid and then I can deal with the rest. I will walk if necessary. Thank You for getting me this close. Once again, I turn the key – it starts. I make it to Sunshine in plenty of time. I thoroughly expect the car not to start since it now had been on 3 very short trips which usually triggers a problem. He had taken care of me to complete the critical task. Now, I would deal, as promised, with whatever happens.

To my utter amazement, the car started. I thanked God, but then I asked Him “Why?”. Not why so many things had gone so wrong in such a short amount of time (which would have been my question in the past), but rather why He was so good to me when most everything that had gone wrong in one way or the other was my own fault? Why had I remained so calm,so at peace, even in the heat when I normally would have been a total basket case. Normally, I would have been so filled with self-pity, anger, frustration, and fear.

His answer to both was “because You did not focus on “you”, but trusted Me”.

If you have read my former posts, you know just how unbelievably HUUUUUGE step #4 truly was. So, yes, I know I have been changed.