I will not lose the good in me!

I have never been one to try to “protect” myself in anyway, but especially not from emotional hurt or disappointment. But I have been selfish lately and that is going to change!

As I was getting ready to go to my volunteer job, I completely broke down, this time, more deeply than before. The last week or so, I had waves of depression overwhelm me – just for a little while and then it was over.   I wasn’t sure why and then it hit me.  The waves of depression started when I saw the job, I am partially doing, posted on FB.  When I saw the actual qualifications needed, I realized that I am technically not qualified because of one reason.  Even though there really was no chance from the beginning that I would have been hired for it, the thought that once again, I wasn’t good enough to do something I love was overwhelming.

A second realization hit and that is where the selfishness comes in.  I had been disappointed in myself that I had not been giving this “job” my all.  I asked myself why?  The answer was not pretty.  I had been holding back because I knew it was only temporary.  I knew if I threw myself totally into it, did what I knew I was capable of doing, gave the time necessary to ensure everything was completed and error free, etc., when they actually hired someone there would be yet another hole in my heart.  Another loss.  Another empty day with nothing to contribute to the world.

The depression turned to anger.

I will not lose the good in me that I had always had: Giving everything my all.  Accepting everything as God’s Will.  Being reliable, dependable, available, checking and rechecking my work to avoid causing anyone any unnecessary stress or disappointment, utilizing every gift/talent God has granted the best that I can, etc..  I especially would not allow selfishness to creep in under the guise of protecting myself. 

Additionally, I will not allow the bad I had been making great strides to overcome to resurface.  I will not doubt myself; I will not demean myself; I will not let circumstances or others convince me I am not good enough.

So, yes, I took the time to write this – mostly to document my resolve – but that is the end of all this.  NO more depression.  NO more concern of what is to come or not come. NO more holding back to protect myself. NO more selfishness.  I am going in and will give it my all.  I am going in and will use every gift to the best of my ability.  I am going in knowing I am needed at this moment and that is more than enough!