I learned 2 important lessons today through prayer and meditation. I beg you to either don’t start reading it if you will not read all the way through.
I have blogged before about a person in my life because she has been a significant part of my Spiritual Journey and the lessons I believed I was being taught. My main concern, in the past, was for those I witnessed she was hurting with her lies and manipulations (they are blind to what I believe is the truth and do not even realize the damage she is doing or realize it too late), I did everything in my power to distance myself from her, console, support, and try to undo the damage for those who were hurt, and to simply pray for all.
That person is back in my life. Some that I thought had “seen the light” are back in her web. The repercussions are starting to rear their ugly heads again. So my thoughts and prayers have significantly increased again regarding her.
I do not want to make this too long and you stop reading, but I think it is important that I give a background of my history with her to understand the point of this blog.
When I first met her, I thought this was someone that I really wanted in my life. So I fought viciously against my discernment of heart that was telling me something was seriously wrong here. She smiles a lot, gives the impression she is nice and caring, compliments others, is extremely popular, and does good things with her substantial wealth.
But my perception quickly changed to the opinion that her smiles and compliments were mostly ones of condescension; she was not actually nice (the looks given and comments made, when she thought no one of importance would see or hear, seemed to prove that); she only seemed to only care if she thought she could gain from it (especially attention); her general attitude wreaks of pretentiousness; and, she appears to suffer from being a pathological liar. As one person, who was severely traumatized after having trusted and believed in her, put it (after a meeting we all attended and the presider said each one of us were chosen because he saw the Holy Spirit in us) : “If he sees the Holy Spirit in her, I don’t want to know what he sees in me that makes him think I have anything in common with her”.
By now, you are probably thinking I am just jealous, petty, unChristian, mean, and judgmental. Believe me, I have thought the same of myself. I have prayed for and about her more than anyone I have ever done so in my life. I have prayed so hard that, if I am wrong, to please change my heart and if I am right, to please change hers. So far neither has happened and it has been over 5 years of non-stop praying. When others were starting to recognize things about her and started treating her differently, I still hoped it was just our “perception” and tried to talk to her about how she was coming across to others – to no avail (and pretty much just put me in the doghouse with her). After that, I tried to just avoid being where she was.
Which brings me to the current situation. With her reappearance, I started feeling sorry for her, felt bad about what I have thought about her, and once again hoped and prayed that I was wrong. But, there was a recent incident that seemed to prove she had not changed, especially with the lying; was still negatively influencing others; others are still falling for her manipulation; and, that she was going to be a part of my life again and, short of depriving myself of much needed involvement in some activities, there was nothing I could do about it. Plus, as long as I had this attitude toward her, my relationship with another was going to be severely affected (and not in a good way) as the one time I even hinted there was something not perfect about her, he turned viciously on me. So the prayers resumed.
With this latest incident, I believed I had forgiven her, but this morning I started asking the questions I am constantly asking the Lord – If I have sincerely forgiven her, why do I continue to expect that she will be the same and do it again. You know that I want You to forgive AND forget my faults and failures, so I need to do the same. But if I anticipate she will be the same, then I am not forgetting.
The Lord reminded me, that in my heart of hearts, I believe that she is blind to her attitude and even her lies (a pathological liar cannot help themselves), and that my greatest concern is that others will be hurt, therefore, I am being on guard rather than remembering specific incidents that I need to forgive. Fear of a repeat of the same, does not necessarily mean I have not forgiven her the incident. He then reminded me that I am consciously aware of my sins that I do every day. Those that I always swear I will not do again, but I do. How much harder is it for those who can not see their own faults to be changed? I just have to trust Him and the good that is in her heart that is His image. In the meantime, if it does happen again, forgive her every time just like He forgives me every time and to love her as He loves her.
Which led to the next question: If I sincerely love her with His Love, how can I still feel such angst about her. He laid on my heart, you do not have to like someone to love them. He then asked these questions to which I replied what I know to be true in my heart:
- Jesus: Do you sincerely try to forgive every time you believe she has hurt you or others that you love? Me: Yes
- Do you wish her ANY harm or even punishment or vengeance for her transgressions? Me: No, you know my heart broke for her when the others started turning against her and I tried to help even though I had been hurt by her.
- Jesus: Would you come to her defense if you believed someone was unfairly attacking her? Me: Yes.
- Jesus: Would you help her with anything if she asked? Me: You know that I have and would again.
- Jesus: Would you come to her aid if she was in danger? Me: Yes
- Jesus: Would you give up your life to save hers? Me: Absolutely
- Jesus: Then you love her!
I continue to pray that I am wrong and that my heart will be changed, or if I am right, she will be changed. But, while I wait on His timing, I cherish the lessons that I am learning through my relationship with her. Everyone who enters your life is there because God allows them to be. Love them, forgive them, cherish them as the gift from God, they truly are! Most of all, PRAY FOR THEM!
blessedadorer 
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