I Thirst

This is supposed to be the most joyous day of the year!!!!! So why am I sitting here in tears? Why, when I saw Him on the Altar set up at St. Louis for Easter blessings, did I completely break down hysterically?  Why did this not bring me comfort, peace, joy, and elation?

This is Resurrection Day!  Jesus Christ has conquered sin and death!  He has risen, defeated the evil one, and brought hope to the world.   So why is my heart breaking?

I have been praying and contemplating this since last night.  Is my faith this weak, this frail, this superficial or hypocritical?    Am I being pharisaichal?

I pray not.  What I believe is that I am experiencing deep grief, but why?

I worked at FedEx for 31 years.  The last 20 of them especially, I was a major workaholic.  When I left, I expected to have some sense of loss.  But I never really did. For the next 2 ½ years, my life was consumed with taking care of my Mother.  When she passed away, yes, there was a definite loss.  I still miss her 3 years later, but it is nothing like what I am experiencing now.  But why?  After all, this separation is only temporary.

But this loss, this separation, this grief is taking its toll on me.  I miss seeing our Lord.  I miss receiving Him into my very self.  I miss going to Him in joy, happiness, tears, or stress.  I miss walking in and seeing Him waiting for me.  Hearing His comforting words.  Seeing Him in all His splendor.  I miss, when I sense He is grieving, going to Him to be with Him in His sorrow.  I miss being present when His Priest calls upon the Holy Spirit and the bread and wine are now His Body and Blood.  I miss the intimacy that can only be experienced in His True Presence.

Maybe I am all the things that I mentioned originally.  Maybe my faith is superficial. I think, rather, or at least I pray so, that it is that total and complete knowledge that the Eucharist is truly His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. I still remember the love I experienced at the early age of 3 seeing Him lifted high and knowing that it was Him and that He loved me.  When moving to Memphis and my Catholic beliefs were challenged, the one thing I never waivered on for even a second was the Blessed Sacrament.  As I have expressed on numerous occasions, Adoration saved my life literally – both physically and spiritually.

So right now, it is like a part of my very being has been stripped away.  I watch the Masses, I participate in the prayers and devotions, I continue my personal prayers including Spiritual Communion.  I know that He pours His Grace on us during those times, but nothing can replace His physical Presence.  If He thought the “spirituality” of prayer and devotion was enough, why would He continue to humble Himself in the Eucharist?  Why would He bother to come to us in Person through the Eucharist?  Why would He have said unless You eat My Body and drink My Blood, you will not have life within you?

I thirst.  I am starved of Nourishment.

I celebrate His Life each and every day.  I guess I just wish I didn’t have to do so by watching Him remotely and usually previously recorded.  I know He is with me spiritually.  I am just longing for the day when He is once again with me in Person.