Over the last few months, there are many things that I thought I would blog about that came to mind either while at Adoration or in the car. I always try to ensure that what I share, if not actually the words from the Holy Spirit, that at least He approves the topic or what I want to share. But each time when I got home, I could not find the words to write.
Tonight is a different story. I saw a FB post after our Alpha session about a young woman. The tag on the post was “Jesus saved me from suicide”. As I was driving home, I thought about the 3 times I too had planned suicide. I always knew He had a hand in stopping me, but He shed a new light on to what extent He went to save me. I will share those thoughts at the end
My first attempt, I had emptied the bottle of sleeping pills into my hand and was in the process of opening some rum when my phone rang. It was a co-worker who never calls me so I thought something serious had happened. Although I was in tears, I answered the phone and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. She proceeded to tell me that she and a few others were getting together that weekend for a girls weekend and they really wanted me to come. She said they realized they really didn’t know me and they wanted to change that. I could not contain the tears. I told her how alone I was feeling. I told her how I felt I did not matter to anyone and that I felt everyone was repulsed by me because no one seemed to want to get to know me. I told her she just saved my life.
The second incident, I was driving home determined to end it all. I felt I offered no contribution to this world and was more of detriment than a help to anyone. I was convinced there was nothing good about me and that I would never do any good for anyone. My mother called to say she needed some things. I had to put my plans on hold to tend to her needs. It was enough of a distraction, that I decided to give things a little more time.
The third planned suicide, I had extreme money problems, serious health issues, I was exhausted and since I had become a workaholic, basically, had alienated all my friends and family. I had been trying so hard to get back on track with my Faith but seemed to fail at every turn. I had just made yet another stupid stupid stupid choice and was convinced that I always would. I had convinced myself that I had obviously at some point blasphemed the Holy Spirit and, therefore, would never be forgiven – so what does it matter if I take my own life. I doubted that even Jesus would care since I was condemned anyway. So I was driving in the rain trying to find a bridge to drive off of or a barrier to run into when – you guessed it, my phone rang. It was the woman in charge of Eucharistic Adoration. I did not even remember I had signed up to possibly cover an hour; really didn’t know what it was; and the conversation, well, let’s just say if the Holy Spirit had not held that phone to my ear until I agreed, I would have just hung up. I have written a few times, and even did a talk on what lead up to that night, what happened that night, and how Adoration saved my life – both spiritually and physically. That was 12 years ago. Although I still am not where I should be and have had many dark times, any serious thoughts of suicide have not crossed my mind.
As I was thinking about all 3 incidents, a couple things went through my mind: Maybe that is why I love getting phone calls and grab my phone whenever it rings or get a text; how He used a person in the exact way that I needed each time…
Then He told me to look deeper. So then I thought, well maybe what He is trying to show me is that in addition to His using someone else to reach me, each time I stopped because I needed to do something for or was concerned about someone else. – I answered the phone because I thought something was wrong with my co-worker in the 1st incident. The 2nd incident, I postponed my plans to help my Mother. the 3rd incident was because of the need for coverage in the hour I had expressed an interest in Adoring. So, maybe He was trying to continue His work on trying to get me to see my own value.
But then, He said – yes, but there is more. Then He told me:
The first incident, He stopped me by showing that there were people out there that wanted to get to know me and may actually want to be my friend. The second incident, He stopped me through the needs of another. The third incident, He stopped me by showing He, Himself wanted me to spend time with Him.
Finally, He told me – I tried to show you that you were not unwanted. That gave you peace for a while. Next, I tried to show you that you were needed. But again, that only encouraged you for a short time. I love you so much that when you could not see what you mean to Me and to this world, I called you to My Holy Presence where I could hug you Myself.
I do not know that young woman’s story as to how Jesus saved her from suicide, but I am grateful not only for her life, but for the one who shared the post. I may have never truly understood the extent of the steps He took to do the same for me.
blessedadorer 
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