I went to a reunion tonight where I only knew a few people. We have this reunion ever year, but I have only been a few times. I can not honestly say that I have not had what I would would describe as a “good time” at any of them. I always have hopes of doing so, but mostly I have used these events to either practice humility or to step out of my comfort zone.
Tonight, there were 3 conversations that have me truly thinking. Two I will blog about later, but this blog is dedicated to the conversation that is troubling my soul the most. How do we know that we are doing the Will of God especially when we hear that our “choices” may have had a significant impact on someone else?
An alumni who I did not know even knew who I was, saw my name tag and immediately started a conversation. I learned that a former classmate has had an extremely difficult time with 2 failed marriages. The first ended very unhappily and the second ended not only unhappily, but was extremely painful and had a devastating effect on his life. I refer to the topic of the conversation as a former classmate, but in reality, he was my “first love”.
Ours was a strange relationship. I liked him before he liked me. But then he liked me after I decided I did not like him. I had determined he was a “bad boy” and I was trying to be a “good girl”. The on again/off again like/dislike went on throughout our high school years. Then he met someone he had decided to propose to. He was to be married on January 9th, but we found each other at a New Year’s Eve party that same year. As I was leaving the party, he asked to talk to me. He then dropped a bomb shell on me. He told me that if I told him that I would be willing to give our relationship a chance, he would cancel the wedding.
I was flabbergasted. I did not know what to say. I had strong feelings for him, but I could not let him cancel the wedding on the chance that we might work out—- especially since we had never even been on an official date.
What I should have said is that I should not be part of the equation. What I should have said is that if he was not sure that she was the “one”, he should cancel the wedding- period. I was so self-centered that all I could think about was the guilt I would feel if he cancelled the wedding and we did not work out.
What I should have said was what I did not say. All I said was don’t cancel the wedding because of me. You are probably just experiencing cold feet. So he didn’t.
Had I had the courage, the selflessness, the compassion to respond to him as a true friend, he may not have had to have the pain he has experienced.
Hearing that he has had such a difficult life, especially in his marriages, brings up that familiar question. How do I trust that God is in control when we have free will and with that free will can say or do something that can hurt another? With my free will, I chose not to express what I was thinking all those years ago. My selfishness and self-centeredness caused me to not give him the advice that I should have given. Had I not been so concerned with myself, I would have said “if you are willing to cancel on the chance of a relationship with me, you are not ready to get married”. I didn’t. I didn’t even pray for the words to say, or think about the fact that he knew he was making a mistake and was just desperate for an out. But, I chose to only think of myself.
So what is the answer? I am not sure. But what was laid on my heart on the way home is – God gives us free will – yes, but He is still in control. We might not do what is right with that free will, but where His control comes in is what He does with the mistakes that we make. My former friend has experienced a lot of pain that maybe I could have prevented, but I do not know what God is doing with that pain. He may be using it to make my friend stronger. I know He is using the whole incident to help me recognize my failures and selfishness so that I can be more compassionate and selfless in the future. The bottom line is that I do not know -none of us know. But what we have to trust is His Love, His Plan and His Might. He is in control. We may not understand it, but we have to trust it. He does not fail us, even when we fail each other.
blessedadorer 
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