Valentine’s Day has always been difficult for me. It hurt deeply to see the flowers and gifts delivered at work, all the commercials showing people in love, not being able to walk into a store without the displays hitting you in the face. It heightened my feeling that from a “human” perspective, I am unlovable.
I always tried to think about other’s lives. I thought of those who lost the love of their life, but my selfish nature would immediately think “but at least they had someone to lose”. I would think of those who longed to have children and their angst when seeing the children’s valentine displays, but then I would think “but at least they have their husband”. I tried to focus in on those who have no one in their life, not even a family or friends, but then my true selfish nature would arise. I would think but with friends, I am not the priority – they always have someone that they love more than me. I was just someone in their life and that love was not the same as someone selecting you as the one they chose to love forever. I would think that also applies to family. Plus family did not choose to love me – they have to because we are family (ignoring that some families choose to not love each other).
No one except people who have never even been in a serious relationship can understand what it does to your psyche to realize that you are no one’s priority. No one has selected you specifically to even try to love, much less, love after they get to know you. When my plans to become a Sister kept falling through, I could not stop myself from thinking – “See, even God doesn’t want you”. It causes you to question everything. It causes you to suspect that even the friends you have are only friends with you because they feel sorry for you – because they are the “good” ones and they are looking upon you as a “charity” case or that they only like you because of who they are, not because of who you are! It causes you to sabotage all relationships of any kind before they can get close so that you do not have to feel the pain of rejection yet again.
I honestly thought I was beyond all of that, but throughout this year, all the old feelings reared their ugly head again. I have felt more lonely in this past year than I have in a very long time despite all the good things God has done in my life. I just kept praying “God, even You said ‘It is not good that man should be alone’”. When I realized Valentines’ Day was just around the corner, I stepped up my prayers to take away my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my self-pity. I tried to spend more time praying for others, especially those I love so much with all my heart.
I did not make it to Adoration Wednesday morning and then didn’t even go to Mass which added to my emotions. I tried to stay positive and plan for Mass Thursday. I prayed on which Mass and Church I should go. Did God even want me there? Then a friend sent a text asking for someone to cover their hour at 4 a.m.. I took that as a validation that He wanted to see me even on Valentine’s Day. But I still thought about where? The timing would be in line for either early Mass at HS or SLC. If HS, there was a good chance I would receive Him in that special way – but if that did not happen, would I take that as a rejection by God? If I went to SLC, I would celebrate with one of whom I have come to love so greatly, but his homily would more than likely be about love and marriage as that has been the focus so often – how could it not be with the readings and it being Valentine’s? I resolved to just go to Adoration. Focus on praying for others. And, let the Holy Spirit take it from there.
Then lo and behold, I pull up the readings for today and what is the first reading – yep – the creation of man – The words hitting me smack dab in the face – It is not good that man should be alone. I was like really God? You are not a cruel God, yet You did this to me? You know how hard I have tried to live for others, how hard I am trying to destroy the thoughts of self-pity and being self-centered. How I have tried so hard to love without expecting love in return. And then – yes – I went there, I asked Him – “Do You just hate me? Have I disappointed and offended You so greatly that You have to add insult to injury by rubbing salt into the wound?”. I apologized for thinking that even for a split second. I went on to pray the Divine Office and focused on Him. The hour came and went and so did the next, therefore, the decision was made about where I would be going to Mass.
I walked in with trepidation. I prayed that He would give me the strength to be focused on Him and the great Mystery of which I was about to be privileged to partake. Although my thoughts were not distracted from the prayers, my emotions continued. I felt the tears welling up. I would fight them back and there they would be again. As the first reading was being read. I steeled myself. I managed to stay focused. As Father approached to read the Gospel, I prayed hard that Mary would be with me and that I would not “lose it” during the homily. Then an amazing thing happened – Father gave a beautiful homily on the Gospel and only briefly mentioned the first reading as it tied to the Gospel. I have never loved a servant of God so much as I loved him in that moment.
So now you are probably expecting me to say that in all of this I realized just how much God does love me – Sue Hardebeck, that He has chosen to love me not only because of Who He is, but because I am who I am. Well, not just quite yet.
I got home and wow – the emotions hit – the guilt of my selfishness, the guilt of my doubt, and yes, still the pain of my loneliness. I cried so hard for almost an hour. I relived all my failures and disappointments. I relived my ungratefulness to a God so good. I prayed for forgiveness and asked Him to accept my pain as an offering. As I laid down in exhaustion and was drifting off to sleep, I prayed that I wished I could offer my pain for others, but that my sins were so grave that I had to ask that He consider actually using it for atonement of my own offenses.
I was still drained and really wasn’t thinking or expecting anything as I woke up and reached for my phone. I saw I had a text, but was not prepared for its content.
I mentioned above, I have difficulty believing anyone could actually like me for me and have felt that some of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me – that I was their charity case. My relationship with one friend has been strained the last several months. I felt I had lost what little respect she may have had for me and that she really no longer looked at me as a good Christian, a friend, or even that my Faith was real. There is more to that story, but since this blog is already so long, I will leave it at that. The text was from this friend. This friend who I thought considered me one of her charity programs and kept me at a safe distance from her personal life, who made efforts toward me because of who she was, not who I was; this friend was confiding in me about a personal situation and asking for MY prayers.
After I prayed for her, I heard our Lord say – “When will you learn? You cannot know how much I love you unless You trust Me. My ways are perfect and My love is pure. Yes, you have pain that you think is of your own making, but I allow it for My own good. I have chosen You for MY PURPOSE. I love you with a Love that will consume you. I love you for you because I have created you. I lived for YOU. I suffered for YOU. I died for YOU. If I had not chosen YOU, if I did not love you for YOU, I would not have reconciled you to My Mother, I would not have allowed you to spend so much time with Me. I would not have put the people in your life that are bringing you closer to Me. You are a priority to Me. You cannot understand that because you do not think like Me! Consider all that transpired this morning. Think of all that you “assumed” would happen that did not and all that your “assumed” would not happen that did. I love you, My mother loves you, My people love you. Part of true love is not just giving love yourself, but accepting the love of others. You are special to Me. There is no one that I love more than you. Accept My Love and that of those who love Me!”
So if you are feeling lonely, unloved, and especially unloved because of your own choices and mistakes, know that God is saying the same thing to you. We may not understand it. It may not seem possible that we can each and every one individually be His priority, His special one, His one True Love, but remember, we do not think as He does. Just accept the truth and accept His Word and most importantly, accept His Love!
blessedadorer 
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