God’s Emphasis

I have been struggling for several weeks in my prayers… saying them, somewhat, but mostly writing them. The last several I have written, I felt that I was doing on my own – without the Holy Spirit’s or Blessed Mother’s assistance (usually, I do not even think it is assistance but actually their words). I felt the prayers I had written were weak, uninspired, and simply not good. 3 of which were for important occasions.

Monday, I tried to write one and could not get past the first line. I was devastated. It was supposed to be a prayer of Thanksgiving for all that He had done for me the prior week…. utilizing one of His gifts to offer Him consolation for tragedies that had happened nationally, locally, and personally. When I could not even write a mediocre one, I thought I had somehow offended Him and He did not even want to hear from me at this time. I thought He was emphasizing this by my not being able to attend Mass or go to my Holy Hours for the last few days.

Through many situations and occurrences, I had started questioning everything. Had I lost all perspective? Can I determine right from wrong, good from evil, holy from unholy. Had I been wrong about my gift to discern people’s heart?

Then this morning, I made myself write a prayer for a very special person and occasion. I read it and was not happy with it. I teared up a little saying to God that both He and the recipient deserve better, but that this is all I had. I debated whether to send it and how to send it if I did. Usually if it is more than one paragraph, I send it as an attachment if I am texting it. Considering who it was going to and the fact that a couple of times he had just taken a picture of what he had written, I decided to try to do the same.

(As I clicked to take the picture, I noticed it was very dark and that a “spot” was in the middle of it. I almost trashed it thinking that was an indication I should just send it as an attachment or not send it at all. But I opened it first. Yes it was dark but readable. The “spot” was not just any spot. It was a glare in the shape of a cross (and much more) with “sparks” at the top and bottom making it look like it was moving across the prayer.

The prayer and the blessing that He gave it are personal between me, God, and the recipient, so I cannot share the actual picture. It has so much more meaning than I could ever explain, than even probably the recipient would understand. It was an answer to many many many prayers that I have had lately. I share this experience not for the incident itself, but the fact that even without the specific prayer and picture, it offers me and hopefully you some lessons.

The biggest lesson for me is a reminder that we do not think like God. Yes, we need to be open to recognizing what He might be trying to tell us or teach us, but even when we think we know what that is – we need to stay vigilant, praying, and open to His correction of our thinking or understanding.

I thought that my being unable to be with Him or receive Him for several days was His “emphasis” that I was being hidden in Jesus’ wounds in a spiritual darkness while the Father’s anger subsided. I was just waiting for Him to show me what I had done and how I could atone for it.

I was in a conversation the other day where someone asked another if they thought the story they had just relayed was coincidence or Divine Providence. I immediately interjected there is no such thing as coincidence. Today, I believe He taught me that if He wants to emphasize something – He will do so in a way that is unmistakable! His way!

I will need to pray more on the answers I believe He may have been giving me with this entire incident. But the one thing I am sure of, He emphasized that I am not wrong about my discernment of the heart and holiness of the recipient which is a blessing in itself and so is he.