I did not think about what was said and definitely felt no guilt regarding the conversations I had with 3 different people Thursday – that is UNTIL the next morning. Right before I fell asleep, I felt uneasy, but dismissed it. When I first woke up, that uneasiness had turned into major disquietude. As I discerned if I was feeling someone’s pain or my own, that disquietude quickly turned to horror!!!!!!
I started replaying the conversations from the day before and realized that not only had I “gossiped” in those conversations, but I had betrayed a confidence. At first, I was trying to console myself by saying that each item of “gossip” and even the betrayal was innocently said to try to make my point, to try to give examples as to why I felt what I did on some of the topics, and/or, to try to make someone feel better about themselves or another. I tried to tell myself, my betrayal was not really a betrayal because that person did not tell me not to say anything.
But God was having none of it. He reminded me that this how satan works. I know it, but I let evil use me. I was overwrought with guilt. I begged the Lord to let the people I talked to forget what I said or at least, to dismiss it as trivial and never think of it again. I pleaded with Him to undo any damage I had done with my words either to the people I was speaking or those about who I spoke .
Earlier I had been thinking about where and when I would go to Mass. Now I thought- it is not Mass but Confession with which you need to be concerned. I realized – “I cannot receive my God in Holy Communion as I am totally not in a state of Grace”. Of course, satan stepped in again – “oh no, that is just the devil trying to keep me from receiving the Lord. There was no malice or deliberate meanness intended. I didn’t set out to gossip. I was just trying to help.” But then, the old phrase “the way to hell is paved with good intentions” kept going through my mind.
The next section you may think is just too much info and not necessary… For me, I just like to share my thought process and include all of the events that are part of the inspiration for my blogs. If you are not interested in that part of my craziness, please skip down to the paragraph that begins: “I stopped in the Chapel”.
These dueling thoughts (was the devil just trying to keep me from the Eucharist or am I truly not in a state to receive Him) was complicated by the fact that it was First Friday – I had to receive Him! Yet, by the same token, because it was First Friday, there were opportunities for Confession – but all the Confessions are AFTER MASS. I had already missed Confession after 6:15 Mass. I didn’t know if Holy Spirit Church had Confession during their Holy Hour after 8:00, but that if I wait until 12:00 at St. Louis, then there would be no more Masses to receive Communion.
I prayed in total angst – why can I not discern what You are telling me to do? Why, when I need clarity the most, does everything seem muddied. He answered me and suddenly I was not only clear on why I was so indecisive but also clear on what I must do.
He laid on my heart the reminder that when I have sinned (intentional or not, mortal or venial), I have distanced myself from Him and His Truth. The greater the sin, the greater the distance and inability to hear Him or to discern His Will for me. This understanding led me to realize I HAD to receive absolution before receiving Him!
I was still indecisive as to when and where to go. If I was going to HS, I had to make that choice NOW…I wrestled with realizing that I would not have time to do my normal preparatory Mass prayers, but yet, if they did have Confession after Mass, I could then go to 12 at SLC. I thought about waiting for 12:00 and going to St. Michael’s at 5:30, but for reasons I cannot go into, that was out of the question this week (suffice it to say, that was the doing of the Holy Spirit too). Nothing in my spiritual life (or real life for that matter LOL) is simple.
The Lord told me “just come on”. So I grabbed my purse and headed to HS. I told Him, “I hope I am hearing right and responding appropriately to You! I have to trust that I am.”
I stopped in the Chapel as is my norm when going to HS since there is no Tabernacle in the Sanctuary. Father walked in – obviously busy, trying to prepare for both Mass and First Friday Holy Hour. I tried to dismiss the thought of asking him to hear my Confession since it was only moments from Mass and he was setting up – but I kept hearing “ask him”, over and over and over. So I did.
I got the response I expected – no. But as he was explaining why he couldn’t, I guess the Holy Spirit jumped in as Father suddenly said – “well, we’ll see, but I doubt it”.
When I finished my prayers in the Chapel, I thought about leaving, but reminded myself, I could still offer praise, worship, and thanksgiving even if I could not receive my Lord. I headed into the Nave, knelt down, resolved to be focused on Mass and not my sins – but the tears began to flow. I told the Lord how sorry I was, not only that I had sinned, but that I had not recognized that sin early enough to make proper arrangements to be absolved in order that I could partake at His Table. Then Father tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I can meet with you now”. It was 2 mins before Mass, but he assured me, it was okay.
I confessed, I received absolution, I fully participated in Holy Mass and received my Lord — but that was not the end of my “blessings”.
When I was little, I had the “best” conscience in the world. I was aware of every little sin and would feel remorse and the need for restitution and confession immediately. The older I got, the more I realized I was losing that. It caused me great pain. When I got back on the right path and restarted my journey, that was one of my most fervent prayers – please give me my conscience back! Recently, I had felt that He was truly beginning to fully restore my conscience.
Which brings me to why I titled this “Scared but Remain Hopeful and Blessed?”
As I was driving home from HS, I was overjoyed, but also still a bit distraught. For months, conversations before the Thursday ones, I had recognized when I was either about to say something that I shouldn’t or felt immediate remorse after.
It “scared” and scares me that, not only did I have no warning, but I did not even recognize my sin until the next day and especially the gravity of that sin. Was I progressing backward instead of forward with regaining my conscience? The fact that I did finally recognize my sin, the true nature of my self-deception, and God’s response to my contrition causes me to “remain hopeful“.
I thankfully often recognize just how “blessed” I truly am and again this is evident with this whole situation. It reminded me how He is teaching me to trust His Divine Providence – how He can turn even my failures (that He allows, not approves) into blessings, how, if I am truly contrite, He will move Heaven and earth to award me the opportunity to repent and receive absolution, and that even when I fail so miserably, He is waiting with open arms for my return. The added bonus to this one is that it frightened me so badly, that He used that fear as way to clarify for me another of His Truths….sharing that Truth will have to wait for another post as He has not given me adequate words to explain it to others yet.
Stay strong in God’s Love and Mercy! I will type to you later!
blessedadorer 
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