I have never really discerned where I belong as far as a Parish is concerned. Until I was led to Eucharistic Adoration, I was never even registered at a Parish. I went to Mass where ever. It was not until my current Pastor chastised me for being a roaming Mass goer, that I even considered Parish life, much less, which Parish would be able to utilize my skills and knowledge, where I would grow the most spiritually, and most importantly, where I would best glorify God with my participation. In the last several weeks, I have been led to start this discernment.
This time last year, I was so excited about my current registered Parish. I thought I would finally “fit in” since we were now being led by the above mentioned chastising Priest whose main focus, I thought, was like mine (Eucharistic Adoration and spiritual growth). I believed this not only because of his words, but because of the actions he was taking at the time. Either I was wrong about his direction being sympatico with mine or his direction changed. Either way, it is not a bad thing, it just has made me evaluate where I am and in what Parish I can further my personal journey the most. I try very hard not to make things about me, but as all Priests remind us: OUR FIRST PRIORITY IS TO GET OURSELVES TO HEAVEN.
My discernment was kicked up a notch this morning. I attempted to go to Mass at my closer parish. They publicized a 6:30 a.m. Mass on Saturday, but no one was there. I went to their website to check out if something had changed. While viewing their bulletin, I saw several things that peaked my interest. One of which was the very study I had sent to my current pastor a few months back asking if we can do (GAUDETE ET EXSULTATE) and did not receive a response. They also had listed Diocesan specific training that I had been requesting information regarding at my current parish and was told I did not need it in order to perform the ministry of which I was trying to be involved. This did not sit well with me as I am a “follow the Church rules” kind of gal, but being that person also caused me to accept it since part of the Church rules is obedience to your Pastor.
So I started a true discernment between the 2. The big difference between the parishes, imho, is one’s main focus is on current active parishioners and furthering their spiritual journey while living their faith through community activities and Church Ministries. The other’s main focus (now anyway) is on getting current active parishioners to evangelize and living their faith through that evangelizing.
Both are needed. Both are led by wonderful Pastors. Both have more great things to offer than what I have a right to expect. However, both have a couple things that cause me disquietude. I have a few concerns about how things have been playing out (as I mentioned in the blog “Keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing”) and this severe direction change for my current registered parish. I have a few concerns regarding some organizational and structural issues with the closer parish. I would never leave the current parish totally because of Adoration. I cannot attend Sunday Mass at the closer parish because of those “structural issues”.
I love how God works. I had just finished the above paragraph when I noticed the time. I needed to leave for Mass (again LOL). I attended the closer Church and 2 amazing things happened regarding the structural issues concern.
One of the issues is no Tabernacle in the Sanctuary. As we were praying prayers during which I normally look to Jesus in the Tabernacle, He laid on my heart: “My Priest is in Persona Christi. Look to him. I am in all present at this Mass. See Me in them. If I am not physically present in the Eucharist, I am physically present in My people, especially My chosen ones, the good and holy Priests.”. This is especially easy to do on Saturdays as both Priests concelebrate the Mass and most of the attendees are so loving, kind, and accepting.
Then after Mass, one of the parishioners stopped me to thank me for a reply I made to a comment on one of her posts on FB. I expressed to her the struggle I was having with choosing a “home” parish. She addressed my other “structural issue”. I do not have an issue kneeling straight on the floor as they have no kneelers. The problem is that everyone else is standing and so when I kneel, I can no longer see the Holy Altar or Priest. She advised that the 7:30 Mass on Sunday is beautiful and not overly crowded. She then showed me one row of pews that has kneelers (thus making me a little higher). That row was fairly centralized, so if I was on the end, I could always maneuver to see the Altar.
As a result, He has eliminated any “physical” concerns in choosing a home Parish and left me with only the “spiritual” aspects (which is as it should be).
He has taught and revealed so much to me in the last 10 years. He has especially changed me beyond belief in the last 2 years. My blogs are proof of that. I am sincere when I say I blog in case my experience helps even one person, but I think that He has me do so also, so that I see those changes, that growth! 2 perfect examples of that growth are the fact that I am even doing a sincere evaluation of which Parish is right for me (at this time) and my growth in the trust that He is leading me.
As for the discernment in Parishes, in the past, I would have felt so guilty about even considering moving from a Parish where the Pastor has done so much for me. Yes, most of it has been indirectly, but one of the reasons I was able to be open and trusting of his teachings was because of the initial personal contact. I was able to see his heart and passion personally. I truly believe that he would be the first one to say that I have to do what God is directing me to do.
In the past, because his attitude toward me has deteriorated so much in the past year, I would have dismissed any thoughts of going elsewhere to prove I was not being selfish or proud, or out of a wrong sense of deserving the punishment and lesson in humility by staying. I would have dismissed any thoughts of going elsewhere because I would have felt the need to try to win back his approval. I would have dismissed any thoughts of going elsewhere out of fear that I was doing so for the wrong reasons.
But, I can honestly say I am not considering leaving a Parish, but rather I am discerning which Parish is best for me to partake most fully in glorifying God. I can confidently state that I am not discerning this because of any change in personal attitude toward me,but, rather, what is best for me and my spiritual growth. I can say this confidently because I have no ill feelings over the change in attitude. I still love, respect, and admire him. I still pray for him several times a day. I am still open to his teaching and example. I still believe that one day he may just be made a Saint. If in the discernment, I would happen to make the closer Church my “home” Parish, I know a few people will not believe the honest reason, just like they did not believe the honest reason I left the Serra Club. The fact that I am not influenced by what other people might erroneously think, is yet another example of my growth. I cannot change people’s perspective or incorrect thinking.
As for the blogs themselves, in the past, I would not have written anything that I feared might be read by someone who is a topic of them. Granted, in this particular one, the only 1 person who is part of the topic has unequivocally stated he does not and will not read personal blogs, so no fear there. I do not usually use names, but in several of my other blogs, if you know me IRL, then you know to whom I have referred in the topics. In the past, I would not have written them for fear that people would misinterpret what I was saying, not understand the reason for what or why I write them, or (gasp) heaven for bid, would not approve!!!
Writing these blogs shows my growth in detachment, my trust that God really is guiding me and directing me, and how I am seeking Him and His approval above all else. Others might not agree. Yes, I may be wrong about His direction, but I rely on Him to get through to me on that then. So blogging for anyone to read that I am contemplating moving from a Parish that I have bragged about in posts and blogs for over a year now, would have been beyond my imagination, but here it is.
One more thing He has taught me… if it is not an urgent situation, don’t act immediately. So I will continue to pray. I will continue to participate in the activities and ministries at my current Parish, as well as, possibly participating in activities and ministries in the closer Parish. Eventually, if I am to choose one, Jesus will show me in which one He will utilize me best and it will become my home on earth (or until the next phase of my journey) while ensuring my home with Him in Heaven.
blessedadorer 
Leave a comment