As I started this post, I was going to begin with “A few months ago….”, but I looked at my blogs and was appalled to see it was actually a year and 2 months ago that I posted that I was quitting smoking. I had asked for prayers, and they were working, but after a few weeks, I added a couple back in. A few weeks later, a few more, etc. etc. etc. I am back to smoking almost a pack a day.
How did I get back here? I am not sure. I was sincere. I was determined. I was resolute.
I was also going to post the reasons why I felt I failed once again, but, I realized I was playing the blaming game; blaming others and their attitudes, blaming myself for my insecurities, blaming circumstances, etc.. I questioned my faith again since I heard week after week in the prayers and homilies how addictions are a sign of a weak faith.
Every time I started beating myself up about my inability to quit, He would answer me “in My time”. This will not make sense probably to anyone but me and God. It did not make sense to me until recently. Why would He want me to wait? Why isn’t it His time? I thought it was time over a year ago. I prayed hard on it.
Yes, I had prayed on it. My prayer was for me to quit. He never said it was time… I just assumed it was. One of the many things I learned was that I may have been using this to “test” my faith. During this time, the Lord has worked on me in so many areas including teaching me that He is the only one who should be testing my faith. If I try to do it, I will fail every time.
Over the past 3 weeks, the need to quit has been overwhelming. Like never before, every time I bought a pack, I was convinced it would be my last. Saturday, I had made it almost 24 hours. The urge to smoke began to overtake me and I started praying. I knew I was about to go buy a pack, so I prayed: “Lord, please be in control. I need to quit, but I cannot do it without help. Whatever is Your Will, please do not let me fail You. If I do buy this pack, I will call the Doctor Monday and get a prescription if it is Your Time and Will, AND if I am too weak to do it by faith alone”. It was more a reluctant “ok”, than a peace that came over me. I broke down and bought it.
I didn’t think about my conversation with God Saturday until last night. At first, I asked what this could possibly mean. He knows how I am. Why did He not remind me to call the doctor Monday? Is He giving up on me? Is He so disappointed in me that He is not going to help? Is it a sign that my faith is weak and I should try again without any physical assistance? Was I once again wrong about it being His time?
This morning I went about business as usual. As I lit another cigarette, I heard “call the Doctor” as clear as anything. So I called. I told the nurse: “I give up! I surrender! I need help”. She advised she would have the doctor call in the prescription. I hung up and said, okay God, I hope this is the right way.
I signed into Facebook for the first time today and the first thing that pops up is the memory with this picture: 
I do not remember posting it. I do not remember where I got it. There are no comments. Nothing. Just this picture posted on my timeline. I immediately thought WOW. For God to show me this at this exact moment, when I just used the very words “I surrender”, WOW, just WOW – what an awesome God. I started to reshare it on FB with something like “How can people ever doubt He gets involve in our daily lives” and a brief explanation as to its significance. Every time I started to write it, I stopped. So I figured this must be something that was meant to be between just the 2 of us.
About an hour later, I get the call from the dr’s office saying the prescription has been called in. I felt at peace. Then, He laid it on my heart to share. I thought: “makes sense. The blog is about my spiritual journey. I can share what I learned last year and this year. I can share, in humility, that I had failed again, but am renewed. I can share the awesomeness of how He works (including the ‘memory’), etc.”
Apparently, He wasn’t finished yet – and this may be (hopefully) why He had me do this blog. As I went back to copy the photo to paste above, I looked at the date. The date was 9/20/2017. 3 days before the blog that I was quitting . I am hopefully optimistic that this is His way of saying – It is My time!
And again, He is not done. As I was typing the above paragraph, He laid on my heart: “Stop thinking needing physical help is a show of lack of faith or trust. I created the person who formulated the drug and its ingredients. You are still relying on Me and trusting Me to help you – it is just in a more indirect way than what you intended, but it is My way and My time”.
Our God is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GOOD!
So I am about to head to the Pharmacy to pick up my prescription with joy, gratitude, and praise for an Almighty God Who is truly Good and Merciful.
blessedadorer 
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