As I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament this morning, the tears began to fall. As I made my way into the Nave, I tried to compose myself once again, but they would not stop. I took a position where I would hopefully be less conspicuous and resumed my prayers. I thought for sure they would stop once Mass started… but they did not.
I was so frustrated with myself for this happening again. I could not even figure out why I was crying. At first I thought maybe it was just the sadness of this anniversary (yesterday’s blog). But, it just seemed to be sooo much more that than that. I was literally in physical pain from the emotional pain again, but why? Yes, there are few things that have happened the last few days that have tested my humility, but was it not just yesterday that the Lord gave me a Peace and Joy beyond understanding. Was it not just yesterday that with that peace and joy, I resolved to accept His Will in everything: relationships, ME, my faults and weaknesses, others faults and weaknesses? Was it not just yesterday that I was content with everything that was happening in my life (perceived good and perceived bad)? Was it not just yesterday that I resolved that I would trust His Divine Providence – meaning I would always remember that everything is from Him, by Him, and through Him, that everything is allowed by Him for HIS PURPOSE even when we cannot see it?
I participated in the prayers of the Mass, I tried to listen to Fr. H’s homily (which was about St. Louis, which made me feel guilty that I was at Holy Spirit instead of St. Louis on his feast), and I thought – can I even receive my Lord when I am like this. I looked up at the one small opening that I could see outside and just silently cried out – Lord, this is not fair to You. This is Your time, not mine. Then I immediately remembered the prayer He laid on my heart a few days ago (See the blog titled “I’m Tired” for explanation): My God, if someone is in trouble and you are sharing their pain as a gift to me and them, thank You. Please accept my gratitude, prayers, and offering and bestow on them Your Graces. If it is my own faltering faith or weakness, please send Your Holy Spirit to strengthen me, St. Michael to banish the demon, and Your Blessed Mother to share her heart with me so I can love and trust you perfectly.
The tears instantly stopped. My heart was at peace again, but my mind was not. As Father prepared the gifts, my mind returned to me and my frustration of failing to trust Him yet again. But then something amazing happened. He did not attempt to get me to focus on the Altar, He let my thoughts continue, but my heart be at peace. In that short time period, He laid several things on my heart (He really works fast sometimes, but some of this He clarified/added to it while I was praying later). When my thoughts turned back to me, it was about how and why I react to people the way I do. I thought about my FB posts that seemed to upset a couple “friends”. I thought about a conversation that DID upset one of those same friends. I thought about another post that that friend deemed to be hypocritical. Then I thought about the past 24 hrs and how I failed so quickly in my resolutions.
What I am about to write may not seem very humble. It may even seem I am being egotistical, but I pray I am not. The one thing the Lord has been able to get through to me is that He has given me gifts that I cannot and should no longer deny or reject. None of it is me, but from Him. None of it is because I am special other than being like every single person He has created – we are each special to Him and He has bestowed gifts on everyone that is unique to themselves. He is not only the one that gave me these gifts, but also has revealed them to me especially the last 2 years.
Question: How do I have the audacity to even consider anyone else when I cannot even remain resolved or committed for 24 hours?
His answer: I have given you many gifts but you have not used them well but you are finally beginning to understand.
Question: Why am I so passionate about those who judge or complain about others when it appears they are not looking at their own actions words?
His answer: I have given you the gift of recognizing sin and error readily. This has caused you unjust pain because instead of recognizing it as a gift to help you in your sanctification, you have used it to belittle, doubt, and constantly degrade yourself. You have perverted the true definition of humility. As a result, you have allowed yourself to develop an inane desire for others to be perfect for themselves and for Me in order to make up for your failures. You so desperately want to stop sinning and your errors to be corrected, and because this gift not only applies to your sins and errors but also others’, you are overwhelmed with desire to have others see theirs too. You do not want others to be blind – you wrongly believe if you could only make them see it within themselves, they would succeed where you fail. You have forgotten what I told you all those many years ago when you began your return to Me – no one can change themselves, but they can BE changed through Me and My Mercy. It is not wrong to try to help others see the hypocrisy in what they say or do as long as you witness it yourself, but it is wrong to be upset when they refuse to do so or disparage you for having tried. It is especially wrong for you to think that you did something wrong and therefore you failed again when it is not received as you intended it. You have progressed in your understanding of true humility, but because you still do not totally understand, you continue to question yourself and your actions. You must continue to pray before, during, and after you do any communication verbally or written, and then trust that I have you.
Question: Then why do I have so much compassion for those who appear to keep failing in their efforts to do or be “good”.
His answer: I have given you the gifts of recognizing the good in people and especially recognizing the true nature of their heart. You have empathy for those you discern are sincerely trying. You are compassionate toward them in their failures because of your own failures. You understand their struggle. You want to help. You must continue to pray for them and yourself. You must continue to recognize that you are all broken and need Me. You must trust that you do not see their heart with your own eyes but rather with Mine. I will continue to bless you with this gift and the gift of feeling their pain as long as you do so for My glory and to request My Mercy.
Question: If I see the good in ALL, then I have to ask again: Why I get so intimidated around those who appear to be holy. I know You have helped me with this, but it is still there somewhat.
His Answer: It is really not intimidation, but rather fear. Fear due to your perversion of humility and your lack of understanding how to trust Me. You fear that you will never be as good as you perceive them to be. You fear that they are not as good as you perceive they are. You fear that I will be disappointed in you if you disappoint them. All of these fears cause you to not be yourself around them. All of these fears cause you to believe you are not worthy to be around them. All of these fears cause you to avoid them. You must continue to pray for increased understanding. As you grow in this understanding, you will be able to relate to all My people no matter their status in life or their degree of holiness.
By the time of Consecration, my heart AND mind were at peace. I made a promise to reflect on all He said. He then allowed me to be fully focused on Him and Holy Mass.
blessedadorer 
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