On August 30, my siblings and I will be lifting up our owl glasses offering a toast in our respective homes to our Mother who passed on that date 2 years ago. It is a fitting tribute and the owl glass will bring precious thoughts of her. It is good that we commemorate this date. It was a sad day for us but hopefully a joyous one for our Mother as she went into the arms of our Lord.
However, the hardest memory for me was 5 days earlier when I awoke to find her half in and half out of her bed, totally incoherent. I remember running to her bedside trying to awaken her to no avail. I remember struggling to get her back fully onto her bed. I remember the anxiety of trying to decide what to do. She had been so adamant the night before (and so many other occasions in the weeks leading up to that morning) about not calling an ambulance. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I knew this time there was something terribly, terribly wrong. I remember thinking if she did wake up before the ambulance got there, she would be so furious at and disappointed in me for calling them. I remember cleaning her up so that if she woke up on the way to the hospital, she would not be mortified at her condition. I remember watching the paramedics lift her near lifeless body to put her on the gurney only for one of them to trip on the bedsheets and almost drop her. I remember seeing her frail body slip in his arms and hearing the last sound I would ever hear from her – a soft painful moan.
I remember driving to the hospital behind the ambulance crying out to God asking Him why He had not woken me up when she tried to get out of bed; why did He not let me hear her? I remember the nurse coming out and verifying I wanted her to be anointed. I remember him telling me to call and tell everyone to get here as quickly as possible the and that he would find the Hospital Chaplain immediately. I remember making those phone calls to the family.
That day, all I could think of were her words a few days prior. I kept remembering how in anger and through tears she said that we would cry and make a fuss when she died, but that we had not been there for her when she was alive. I knew in my heart that with my own brokenness, I had done everything I could do for her at least in the last year or so, but the truth of her words as it related to past years raised my guilt level to a new height.
I thought of all of this yesterday as the tears flowed knowing that this was an anniversary that I did not want to commemorate in 2 days. As I called on our Blessed Mother, I was reminded of the answer to the questions I asked on the way to the hospital. I was so exhausted the night before that I knew that if I did fall asleep, the sleep would be sound. So, I had earnestly prayed for me to hear her if she tried to get out of bed or if she needed anything. Had I not prayed this, I probably would have never recovered from the guilt. Having prayed this, I know this was part of His P.lan.
Which brings me to the title of this entry. I received some comfort yesterday morning, but I was still dreading tomorrow. Very shortly after this, I saw the email that Incarnation was needing coverage at 2 a.m. this morning, so I volunteered. Once again, this had to be God’s doing. My prayers were focused on the usual things until the last 15-20 mins. He then laid on my heart to just look at Him, just spend some time in silence with Him.. no prayers, no thoughts, just be with Him and He would just be with Him. I didn’t even realize what was happening until the 3 O’Clock person came busting in the door (LOL). My body jumped from being startled, but my gaze stayed on Him. The gentleman replacing me even made the comment “It looks like you had a really good hour”. As I was saying “yeah, I did”, I realized just how at peace I really was, just how much joy had filled my heart in that one hour.
I have participated in probably 1500-2000 Holy/Adoration Hours in the past 10 years. No 2 have ever been the same experience. Every one of them I have walked away from better, calmer, more confident, wiser, etc.. As peaceful and joyful as I have been, especially in the last year, I can honestly say I have never felt His Love and Comfort more strongly than this morning.
I know because of the difference that one hour made, I will not despair tomorrow, but rather will celebrate His Providence!
blessedadorer 
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