I’m Tired, I am so very tired ….

I am truly tired – mentally and spiritually.  I am tired of not understanding what God wants from me.  I am tired of my weaknesses.  I am tired of what I have been told is a lack of trust.  I am tired of what I have been told is a lack of faith. I am tired of the confusion that my “gifts” seem to intensify.  I am tired of so much more.

I pray the Humility Prayer and the Prayer of St. Francis often.  I try extremely hard to live by both, but the struggle to live for others yet do what I THINK God is calling me to do is overwhelming me right now.

There is no doubt, like my whole self, my “gifts” are unique when considering the contradictions within them.  I am blessed to recognize evil almost immediately and when others cannot.  I am blessed with recognizing hypocritical words or actions both within myself and others.  I am blessed to sense what others are feeling, experiencing, going through etc., without them saying a word.  I am blessed to actually experience the emotional and physical pain of others.  I am blessed with an attention to detail.  I am blessed with intelligence and analytical ability.  I am blessed with a sensitive mind and a compassionate heart that is often misunderstood or causes confusion within myself or others because of my other gifts and my faults.

The sensibility gift of experiencing others emotional pain is the one that causes me the most fear because of my own weaknesses and faults.  When I begin feeling despair, disappointment, fear, doubt, confusion, etc., I never know if I am feeling someone else’s pain or if my own faith is faltering.  This morning He revealed to me the prayer I need to pray when overcome emotionally (for which I am so grateful)  My God, if someone is in trouble and you are sharing their pain as a gift to me and them, thank You. Please accept my gratitude, prayers, and offering and bestow on them Your Graces.  If it is my own faltering faith or weakness, please send Your Holy Spirit to strengthen me, St. Michael to banish the demon, and Your Blessed Mother to share her heart with me so I can love and trust you perfectly.

My faults often hide or confuse or overrule the gifts.  Every time I feel I am overcoming some of those faults, circumstance seems to prove otherwise.  One of my biggest faults is self-doubt and self-recrimination.  When I try to be confident and utilize my “gifts”, I am considered egotistical, hypocritical, or self-righteous. If I withdraw and spend all my time in prayer and contemplation, then it is thought that is all I am capable of doing.  I am not given a chance to demonstrate my value or contribution.  What I have further learned is that with the “sensibility” gifts, I am unable to discern if the person themselves are even conscientiously aware of the situation, therefore, any words I say or actions I take can be more confusing or hurtful than remaining silent or not offering assistance (or, my intentions are misunderstood).

As the Prayer of St. Francis goes, the line that I meditate the most upon is “Let me not so much be understood as to understand”.   The problem is, most of the time, I do understand, but one of my other  biggest faults is the failure to be able to  express myself in what is considered a “normal” fashion.  In a work environment, I am confident and communicate well.  Outside of work, it is a totally different scenario.  As a result, when I try to do good, when I try to help, when I try to express what God has laid on my heart, when I try to warn of evil, when I try to point out the hypocrisy of someone’s thinking, instead of succeeding, I usually make matters worse.  If not for others, than for myself.  If I remain silent, I am criticized for not speaking up.  If I speak up, then either what I say or my intent is misconstrued.  How can I do and say what God is calling me to do or say if whatever that is is misunderstood?

So, yes, I am tired.  I am tired, but I am not defeated.   I am tired, but I remain patient.  I am tired, but I refuse to give up.  Despite my concern if I truly trust, if I am totally surrendered, if I am sincerely listening, I have Faith in God’s Providence.  I have Faith in His ability to remove all obstacles.  I have confidence that IF He wants to use me and my gifts, He will, not because my faith and trust are strong or weak, but because my desire to serve Him and His people is so strong.  Since He is the cause of that desire, I know eventually somehow, someway, He will get through to me what it is He wants me to do, say, act upon or not do, not say, or not act upon.  If He does use me, then He will open those doors and give me the tools to succeed.

I have confidence because He told me to have it.  I have confidence because He nourishes me every day with His own Body and Blood.  I have confidence because He renews me, quenches my thirst, and calls me to rest in Him.

UPDATE:  I was proofing and before I could even publish this, a friend sent me information on an Apostolate that sole purpose is almost the exact ministry that I have been wanting to start in my Diocese (and the reason I resigned Serra).  The article includes information on how I can start one of my own.  I will read further into it and discern if this is indeed something He wants me to start in Memphis, but either way, I feel this is a validation of what I have written.   The beauty of it is that having this established process would keep me available for another potential opportunity that I learned of Friday, (which may or may not be awarded to me), but is just further proof that He may very well use me yet. God is soooo good and He will encapsulate you in Mercy and Grace if You have confidence in Him even when you are tired.