Truly

As the psalmist cried, I cry out to You, oh Lord, how long?  How long will You allow me to stay in this state of wretchedness?  How long before You take away my vices, my selfishness, my selfcenteredness?  How long before You purify my thoughts and actions? What must I do to cooperate with Your Mercy?  I fast and pray, yet still I offend You, hurt You, disappoint You.  I fast and pray, yet, still I offend and hurt others.  I trust You, I truly do, but I do not understand what I am missing.  

Oh, Lord, I thank You for never giving up on Me.  I trust You, I truly do and You ALWAYS answer me, yet I forget this so easily!  When Your answer is no, instead of asking then what should I do, I take that Your answer to mean that I am failing You and then I offend You more!     I know Your timing is perfect.  I know that there is so much to correct in me.  I know the changes You have already made in me and I thank You with all my heart for doing so.

My prayer today and every day, Oh most sweet Jesus, is while I await Your timing for my transformation, that You grant me this one favor.  In my sins and failures, please do not let me compound my offense by hurting others.  Let me truly be Your servant.  Let me put others first, no matter the cost, no matter the loss, no matter the pain!  This is all I really want is to truly be meek and humble, truly love with all that I am, truly be for others what You want me to be, to truly trust in, truly know, and truly accept Your will in all things.  Above all, what I really want is to truly trust in Your Mercy and Love.  I am truly sorry, Oh my God, and beg of You to make me Yours in every way, make me Yours every day!

Yesterday admidst several people saying how sweet I am, how holy (I hate it when they say that… reverence does not make one holy.  All holy people are reverent, but not all reverent people are holy), I was being anything but sweet and especially not holy within my mind.  I fought the thoughts, but they were there any way.  I had trouble sleeping last night thinking I am the one who is evil, the one being controlled by satan.  I lapsed into guilt and shame.  I struggled as to if I should go to my prayer group and be around honestly holy women.  I even struggled if I should go to Mass and especially Communion.  I wanted to send a text to every person I came in contact with yesterday just to say I am sorry, even though the majority would not know why.  While praying the Morning Offering,  I received texts from the prayer group where, one by one, members could not attend today.  I thought that was my answer.  My guilt increased and I cried out to the Lord to help me.  I was not deliberate in my sins yesterday, I told no lies, but I was not as I should be.  I again struggled with going to Mass, and then the phone rang asking me to do the Readings today.  I may be wrong, and God forgive me if I am, but I feel this was Him telling me He wanted me there and that He wanted to give Himself to me yet again despite my wretchedness.  So I wrote this prayer.