Well it was a short respite from Social Media, but a very informative one. Who knew I would be so missed? Not me, that is for sure. In keeping with my efforts to document anything (no matter how embarrassing) that I experience on my journey, it is time to admit why I took the break. In a word – People.
It was getting obvious that what I was sharing either in this blog, a couple FB posts, and to those I communicate with daily, much of what I was saying and doing was being taken wrong. Plus, there was also a couple times I shared things with IRL folks that I had not discerned carefully that either the Blessed Mother or Jesus/Holy Spirit had not intended for me to share. Those incidents were supposed to be for me only.
I needed time away to do some serious contemplation. I was in pain – emotional pain. It is funny how a look can send daggers into your heart. Getting that look once a week for 5 weeks from multiple people can almost destroy your spirit. Then, there is also the lack of a genuine smile from someone who used to always grin ear to ear when he saw me, and now, has trouble even managing a fake smirk, that just piles on the self doubt.
Plus there is the person for whom I have been praying for almost 2 years..praying that I was wrong about her; praying that so many people were right about her; praying that my heart would be changed about her. But my heart has not been changed. I still feel the potential danger in her. I still sense the total disingenuousness. I have witnessed too many times the flash of anger and hatred that she hides so well from others. I have heard the lies she tells about others (and even herself). I have watched and listened as she claims credit for others work, words and ideas. The fact that someone whose judgment I normally trust almost entirely, not only thinks highly of her, but places great responsibility on her was causing me almost unbearable emotional stress and doubt that I had a right understanding about anything at all. Every effort I made to distance myself from her in order to avoid sin was thwarted through these responsibilities. I needed to spend more time asking Him to teach me to trust that He will protect those for whom I am afraid she will hurt. I needed to ensure that despite all that I feel about her, that I still love her as a child of God whether I am right or wrong about her.
I needed this time in prayer. I needed this alone time. I needed to reevaluate myself, my status, my goals. I needed to not put myself in a position where I would not add to the emotional pain (I have to admit, an example would be the lack of response to my posts). I am sincere when I say that if my posts even help one person, it is worth it, but when I am emotionally vulnerable, I do have a tendency to doubt if that ever happens; if I am doing any good in this world at all. So I had to remove the temptation to “go there”.
So what did I learn? I learned that feeling the pain of being misunderstood, disliked, alienated, or being accused of a weak faith or not being what I claim to be (The funny thing is I never claimed to be anything but a sinner who is trying to find her way) is okay. I learned that in my heart of hearts I truly believe the only love and acceptance I need is God’s.
I was concerned because the pain of all this was so real, so powerful, so intense. I questioned how I could say that I only needed His love and approval when the lack of them from others and the rejection by others hurt so badly. One devotion I have added and did almost every day for the last 2 weeks is a total submersion into Christ’s life and Passion. What He laid on my heart is that it hurts because we were made for Him but also for each other: “It is not right that man should be alone”. It hurts because no one enjoys rejection, misunderstanding, alienation. No one likes to stand out in the crowd for negative reasons. Some saints desired it, but they wanted it in order to share in the suffering of Christ. As I put in a letter today, “My contemplation of His Passion has revealed there is no sin that He did not make atonement for or feeling, pain, or hurt that He did not experience in His suffering”. Being rejected, abandoned, alienated, lied about, and misunderstood did hurt Jesus. It was not just the physical stuff. So not only is it okay that I feel the pain, but it is something that I can offer to Him. It is actually a privilege and an avenue to unite myself with Him.
I sincerely love everyone for the Love of God, and I cherish my friends and family. I would love it if everyone loved and accepted me as I am, but I do not NEED it. As long as I am in constant discernment that I am doing my best to love God and love others, I can weather any storm that comes my way (alone if necessary). So I am back (for now LOL). Posting, reading, reacting and writing long posts (okay, very long posts).
blessedadorer 
Leave a comment