All through Lent, God reminded me of events in my life that formed who I am. He told me to stop apologizing for who I am and stop explaining everything I do or say. I have done better with those last 2, but I guess I am just stubborn. I started asking again all last week….. why? Why am I this way? Why can I not change? Why do I feel things so passionately? Why can’t I express myself like a normal person? Why am I so afraid of disappointing people especially to the extent that I wind up disappointing them because of that fear? Why, with all the gifts and talents with which He has blessed me, do I still feel so inadequate? Why do I feel I will never be good enough? Why can I not have confidence in myself so that others will have confidence in me? And the 4 Biggies:. Why do I feel I have to protect others (even when they are capable of protecting themselves) and take on the responsibilities of others? Why, when something or someone good comes into my life, do I always screw it up? Why can’t I trust that I have surrendered to Him and therefore He is in control? (To be clear, I trust Him, it is myself that I don’t trust that I have surrendered to Him). Why does my Spiritual life seem to be developing so rapidly and yet I am still asking these questions?
Tonight, He laid on my heart to start at the beginning and document everything that came into my mind. Every incident He showed me was something that definitely had a major impact in forming who I am and why I am that way. I have been writing about 5 hrs and am only up to the 6th grade.
I had to stop writing as it was nearing time to visit Him. When I read what I had written, I was overwhelmed. I know compared to so many, I have had an easy life. Actually I have always thought I had such an easy life that I had nothing to “offer up” to Him. Most of what I documented I had not thought about in years. Some I had blocked out. Some I always recognized how much worse they could have been. Some I chose not to think about. Some were physical. Some mental. Some obviously were the devil himself. A few were huge, most weren’t, but I never thought of them all at the same time. Together it was an eye opener. Not in the sense to feel sorry for myself, or blame anyone else, or think poor pitiful me. Actually it is the opposite. There really has been one thing after another. Some things were constant for years. With the consistency and frequency of it all, I honestly am so thankful that I am still here and am not as bad as I could have been, considering.
He is showing me that I felt I had nothing to offer up because He already had it… Each time these things occurred, He was with me. Even though I never said the words as a child, my response to each of the situations was, in actuality, offering it up without my recognizing it. Although they have caused me to be a person in many ways I wish I wasn’t, there is some comfort in knowing there really are reasons. Reasons that were beyond my control. Reasons that permanently affected me. Reasons that clearly show how much worse it could have been and how much worse I could be from them.
I don’t know His ultimate goal for tonight. I don’t know if this will result in a permanent change in my attitude this time. But, I do know I feel I learned a lot. I am just grateful He never tires of me. So, I am posting this just as a reminder to all – God is with us. He will keep answering our prayers no matter how many times we ask Him the same thing. What I have found is each time He answers, it is with even more Power, Love, and Mercy.
When I left for Adoration this morning, I expected that, when I got home, I would just add to this post some “thank yous” for those who have been so consistently praying for me and hit publish. But God was not finished yet.
On the way home, I asked Him if He wanted me to continue documenting the events. He said NO. Now I want you to think about all that you have accomplished. He even challenged me to try to think of one thing that was placed before me that I did not do and most of the time did well. He said seriously think about it. Every specific task, every challenge, every job that was placed before you, no matter how little you knew or had experience with it – you tackled it. Maybe not perfectly and maybe not as well as YOU wanted to, but you did it. When it really counted, you did not fail. I am telling you this so you will see, I am and have always been with you. Your desire to surrender all to Me has kept Me with you. Yes, you have more work to do, but My Mother will help you, My Saints will help you. My people will help you. I will help you. You are right not to trust yourself, but trust in that desire that I have put within You. Be confident in My Love.
I see now that always being afraid of failing or disappointing others is denying His Goodness, the talents that come from Him, all that is within me that is of Him. I see now that just maybe I am not the failure that I felt I was… but even if I was, I need to move forward with trust in Him; that my desire to surrender all of me is all He is asking for right now. He and His Army will teach me how to actually do it.
I do not know if anyone will read this as I never know with my blog, but, for those who have been praying for me, especially the one who has my heart, thank you!!!
blessedadorer 
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