What Am I Missing, Lord?

This will be my last “shared” blog for some time, while I work on me and try to hear from Him what I am missing.  Many think I share too much. Only a handful of people even access this site.  Those that do, often misunderstand my point.  There have been a couple that have said some of my posts have helped them.  That is why I continued.  But sharing in writing my experiences of my Spiritual Journey has also cost me great pain.  Never more so than at this moment.  I do not know if this will be read or understood, but, as always, I am trying to let the Holy Spirit guide me as to what to say, not say, post, not post.  So here goes.

I have spent my life wanting to give love, support others, be someone who can be counted upon.  I fight with everything in me against my general nature of needing attention or being selfish or self centered.  Some say being the youngest seems to intensify those bad characteristics.  I do not know if this is true, but I know despite my best efforts, I seem to make things about me.   I attack everything I set out to do with great passion.  I strive to be the best I can be.  I have failed greatly in many ways.  When those failures hurt or disappoint others, it destroys my heart.

What I truly do not understand is “what am I missing?”.  I have asked our Lord that  many  times, but have not received the answer.  I have prayed the surrender prayer almost non-stop for a few years now.  I have asked the Lord to take control, to make me as I should be, to take away from me my addictions, my bad habits, my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my slovenliness.  I know I cannot do it on my own.  I have given Him permission to do whatever it takes.  Yet, here I am, still so totally broken.  Tonight I heard a sermon that said people think there are things that Jesus cannot do and that we are not bringing our issues to Him; that if we bring them to the foot of the Cross, He will handle it.  I have done this, but again, here I am.

So I ask again, what am I missing Lord?  I know all things are possible with You.  I know there is nothing you cannot overcome.  So, what am I missing?  I fast. I pray. I read. I listen, I have tried to remove distractions such as TV, but still here I am.   So, what am I not doing, saying, praying.

It may not sound like it, and only a few will understand, but the joy of God still reigns in my heart despite my confusion and brokenness.   So, I continue to ask the Lord to remove all evil, obstacles, sin that prevents me from hearing Him, from changing and transforming me. I trust He will do so in His own time.  I just hope that time is soon.  Until then, I will step up my prayers, fasting, and penance.  I will remove myself from the internet except for the news, prayer requests, and 1 hour relaxation.  I will do what I can to work on me while He does the same.

I leave you with my favorite version of a song that I have striven so hard to live by: