I had difficulty going to sleep Friday night. Of course,once again, an hour before my alarm goes off for Adoration, I apparently fell asleep. I did not get up. That is one of the dangers with having a 2nd person with me at a scheduled hour. I do not have the motivation of making sure Jesus is not left alone. I consoled myself that I had spent 9 hrs with Him between Serra and Adoration and so I did not think He would mind. I reset the alarm to go to 6:15 Mass, but again, did not get up. This time I told myself that it would be wasteful to drive all the way to St. Louis when Holy Spirit is only 5 minutes away. So, 8:00 Mass it was. On the drive, I was surprised that I was not feeling “guilty” about missing my Holy Hour and making excuses for not giving Him the extra effort to make it to 6:15. I thought, well maybe He really is okay with it.
I arrive at Holy Spirit and almost immediately the “emotions” began. I went into the Chapel for my pre-Mass prayers since they do not have a Tabernacle (renewed angst as I walked in). As I prayed, my sense of unworthiness began to rise and the emotions were getting stronger, but Father walked in and it broke my concentration. I now think that was the Holy Spirit’s doing as He was not wanting me to go there yet. He had more to show me and wanted me to truly hear Him.
I enter the Nave for Holy Mass and renew my prayers. I often kneel straight on the floor vs the kneelers in front of the Tabernacle at St. Louis, so the no kneelers did not bother me today (well, at that moment, anyway). A friend happened to be there and came up expressing her frustration with the no Tabernacle and no kneelers almost as if God was reminding me what I was missing by not going to St. Louis (she is a former parishioner of SLC). Mass began, I refocused and prayed intently. Then it was time for the homily and my angst began again. Now, Fr. H is a very devout, loving and excellent Priest, but on Sat. a.m. (that is the only Masses I have been there), he does not give a homily per se, but rather reads about the Saint of the day. I had forgotten this point. As I have expressed to friends before when choosing Mass times based on who is saying the Mass, I really need my homily (we have a Priest who does the same for daily Masses at SLC)! My mind immediately went “I bet Fr. J. gave a great homily especially with the plethora of avenues that could be taken with both readings”.
I mentioned that the no kneelers did not bother me at first, but then once again a renewed angst. My eyes are always closed from the beginning of the Liturgy of the Eucharist until the time of Consecration. As I opened my eyes, there were 2 people that I had not noticed before standing, blocking my sight of the altar (the congregation stands rather than kneels, but I am sorry, I have to be on my knees when my Lord is being elevated and offered to God the Father). My prayers were interrupted as I had to “scoot” over so that I could see my Lord. During the rest of the Eucharist prayers, although I heard them, my thoughts were directed to what all had occurred and the consequences of my choices. I thought about the fact that, yes, Jim was there at Adoration, but we had planned on starting a Divine Mercy Novena today. I let him down by not being there. I thought about how much I missed with the reverence I desire to offer by being distracted with the missing Tabernacle and kneelers, Father Jolly’s homily, etc..
The guilt was setting in big time, but that is apparently not what He intended. As I prepared to receive my God in Holy Communion, I begged the Blessed Mother to keep me from approaching His Table if I was unworthy, but that if He had forgiven me for my selfishness and laziness, to go before me and present me to Him, asking Him to consume me as I consumed Him. I asked that she intercede that I may receive ALL the healing, graces, virtues, and power of His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity. I always ask this, but today, it was almost a desperate plea. Once again, our Lord demonstrated His miraculous Love by coming to me in that special way for which I am so grateful. I am so amazed and overwhelmed that He guides His Priests to give me that special gift EVER, but especially when I seem to be the most unworthy.
He had one more reminder to reveal to me regarding the choices that I made today. After receiving Him, I long to look upon His Crucified Self as a reminder of His total sacrifice, the Who and why that I just received. Unfortunately, Holy Spirit does not have a crucifix either. They have what is commonly referred to as the floating Resurrected Lord. This particular one to me is almost repugnant. The expression on Jesus’ face is not one of love, mercy, or even joy. It almost looks angry or at best sad. So even the sentiment of what it is supposed to express is lost. My sense of deprivation was almost overpowering.
In the past, I would have been so overwhelmed with guilt, I would have completely missed what He was trying to get through to me. Thankfully, I apparently do have a teachable heart. The influence over and lessons taught by Father J. and other holy Priests have apparently begun to sink in. I listened to the Holy Spirit. The message I perceived was that my choices have consequences not only for myself but possibly others. What I chose today may not have been a sin, but I did not receive all that He wanted to offer me. The choices I made let others down. The choices I made were selfish. The choices I made did not glorify God. The choices I made were not giving Him my all as I claim I want to do. He loves me so much that He wants me to have everything and wants me to be everything I can be through Him to others.
He will always be there for me, teaching me, chastising me, loving me, and encouraging me. But it is my choice – In the future, I can choose to give Him everything or just a part of me, and I need to be aware of the consequences of my choices for both myself and others.
Blessed Mother, help me to always choose to give your Son, our God, my all!
blessedadorer 
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