Teach me!

Memphis does not get a lot of bad winter weather, so when something occurs, it paralyzes the city.  I was oblivious Thursday that we were expecting anything until I got notice that Incarnation would be shutting down their Adoration Chapel at midnight.  I looked at the weather app on my laptop, it showed sunny and no precipitation in the “summary”, but at the top, it had a winter warning (got to love it).   Sure enough, we were expecting ice.  When I got notification that St. Louis Adoration Chapel would close at 1 a.m., I knew it was a serious threat.

My first instinct was to go in before the weather was expected and just stay until time for Mass.  I have done it before and it was no biggie to me.  But, after talking to Father, I did not want to give anyone anything else to worry about, so I stayed home.  Big of me, right?  Wrong.  I made it all about me and not Him.  I could not sleep, but instead of just praying from home, I allowed myself to be distracted.  Then when the weather was supposed to hit and didn’t, I still did not begin praying, but rather brooded that I should have gone in.  Of course, I fell asleep around 3:00.  When the alarm went off at 4:00, I decided not to go to 6:15 Mass and just go in at time for my prayer group and go to 12:00 Mass.  Needless to say, the weather had just been delayed.  About the time, I started to get ready, notification came – 12:00 Mass has been cancelled due to the ice! When I did go to Mass on Saturday, it was obvious as to why they had to cancel.  I cannot imagine how dangerous it would have been trying to get into the Church itself at 12:00 on Friday!

You would think I would have recognized the missed opportunities to honor, obey and trust Him, but nope.  You would think that I would have recognized He was giving me opportunities to be the kind of person I claim I want to be, but nope.  Since the Chapels were still closed, that left me unexpected time to get things done that needed to be done around the house and my car.  But nope, I wasted the day.   I still did not recognize my errors when a friend called to ask me to lead Divine Mercy on Sunday.  Her first question was “are you having major withdrawals”?  Now I see that as another way the Lord was trying to get through to me that I was making my Adoration time too much about me and not about Him, but that He still was working on me (much harder than I deserve).

So Monday arrives.  Since Incarnation had not reopened, I did not have Adoration and went to sleep before 1:00.  I tried to take Sunday’s readings to heart and respond to God that I am here to do His will.  My intent was to go to 6:15 Mass, come home and do the things that I should have done Friday and Saturday.   But once again, the lazy self arose.  I told myself, I will get things done after 12:00 Mass, the readings reiterated to me that I was not being obedient in getting the things done that need to be done.  But, my sinful self came home and started playing on the internet.

I finally started working on some things late in the afternoon, but then I checked the weather and saw we were expecting snow as early as 9:00 pm.  When we did not get notification of St. Louis closing, I decided I would go in before 9 and if the weather did hit, I would be there to cover.  As I was driving in, I remembered my friend covered the 9 hour, so I called her to say I would be there if she wanted to stay home since she lives so far away.  She was also covering for another friend at 2 a.m..  I agreed to cover because I was just going to stay til Mass any way.

I arrive at the Church, sign in for the 9 and 2.  A few minutes later I see I missed a text.  The Chapel would be closing at 9.   My response was all about me again.  I responded that if they came to repose Him, I would just go into the Church.  Now, I failed to mention that my friend in her text addressed me as “saint Sue”.  I truly hope that, at least self consciously, my response was in order to live up to that.  My conscious self says it was my ego.  When Father arrived to repose Jesus, I went into the Church.  But after a few minutes, I realized I was not really focusing and was probably dishonoring Him with my stubbornness.  So I went home.  The snow was beautiful and He knows how much I love it.  I had no issues driving so it was yet another opportunity that I did not see at the time, to recognize His Will and Hand in all that was happening.

So that brings us to today.  What an eventful, grace-filled day it has been.  When the alarm went off, I almost turned it off.  Today is my day to lead Divine Mercy before 12:00 Mass and I was going to just wait.  But the Holy Spirit took charge.  I headed on to 6:15 Mass with the intentions of just staying until 12.  It was still snowing, but there were no major issues driving.  I was feeling pretty guilty over my lack of accomplishments over the last few days, my back was hurting, and the heart palpitations were at it again.  But I was at Holy Mass which was being celebrated by the holiest Priest I know.  I listened intently, I participated fully, and I prayed hard!

But then it happened.  I went up to receive my Lord and I just nodded my head… I did not bow and give Him the honor He deserves in deigning to allow me to receive Him Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity.  As soon as He entered my mouth, the realization hit me and the tears started flowing.  Mass ended.  I was beside myself with guilt.  I was distracted and not able to concentrate on MY INTENDED PRAYERS (more on that in a sec).  I told myself, it was because I was first in line (something that never happens); that I had gotten too close to Father to be able to bow; that I was used to leaving room for the Blessed Mother to go before me to present me to the Lord before receiving Him; that I was just too excited at receiving Him.  All of that is true, but partially, I was being self-conscious and not God-conscious.

This realization, lead me to start reviewing all of the above incidents.  How despite my sinfulness, selfishness, self-centeredness, laziness, and disrespect I had given to Him over the last few days, He continued to BLESS me in so many ways (including that special way, not once but twice).  I looked at despite all of this, He kept me safe, He continued to provide opportunities, He continued to be in control, and He continued to try to teach me!  Instead of letting me go through the motions of my intended prayers, He directed my thoughts.  He helped me to do a proper examination of conscious.   He even showed me in a way that only He can do, that yes, I dishonored Him, but…… (sorry, I cannot explain adequately the “but”).  At that moment, today’s readings and Father’s homily overwhelmed me.  I surrendered all to Him again and thanked Him for giving me a TEACHABLE HEART.

Believe it or not, there is actually a lot more I could say regarding the lessons He taught me this weekend, the blessings He bestowed on me, the hope that He renewed, the signs and opportunities He provided.  What I hope you get out of all my rambling is that God is in control.  He loves each of us.  He will do whatever it takes to reach us.  All we have to do is trust Him and trust in Him – He will do the rest.  Look to Him and ask Him sincerely – Teach me Lord, I am here, I will obey, and come to seek and do Your Will!