I heard those words from a friend the other day. I debated whether to write this post, but it keeps popping in my head, so, hopefully, it is the Holy Spirit and therefore, I will word it well.
My friend was expressing confusion about how a spiritual, religious and devout Catholic can be depressed or unhappy. She was not referring to me but someone very dear to her who apparently struggles consistently with depression. Her loved one has dedicated her entire life to serving the Church and others. In trying to explain how or why it happens, I actually felt better about my episode because it brought out a realization about myself.. but more on that in a moment.
The specifics of why and how are unique to each individual, but there is one driving factor. Satan! He exists and is actively pursuing all. The devil’s snares and wickedness are directed even more vehemently at those who strive the hardest to obey and serve God. He does not want us getting closer to God. He does not want us to be eternally happy – just earth happy as then he is the one in control. He hates God and wants to hurt Him by taking us away from Him, by shaking our Faith, by tempting our trust in Him. In my case, the devil always preys on my insecurities and lack of self-esteem, making me question if I have true faith, much less, trust. I have a medical condition that causes chemical imbalances which, if I am not careful with my diet, makes me very susceptible to depression and the devil uses that often.
But there is more that can contribute, in my opinion. For me, the more my spirituality improves, the more I recognize my sins and feel the weight of those sins – coupled with the above, it is easy for the spiritual battle to begin. In the case of my friend’s loved one, she works tirelessly weakening her physically, but what she does can also have an impact on her mentally. She spends untold time counseling others, ministering to the sick, and helping in the grieving process. Surrounding yourself with so much sadness and pain can take a toll on you no matter how strong your faith. That is why I am constantly urging we pray for Priests. At least my friend’s love one has family she goes home to every day and, also can take a break from it all when it gets too much. Priests cannot. It is their vocation. It is their life.
So why doesn’t God do something about it? Why doesn’t He protect those who strive so hard to serve Him? Well as the saying goes, only God knows for sure, but what I do know is that He will use it. As with all things, if you allow Him, He will make something good out of the bad – every time!
I always seem to come out of my times more faithful, more confident, more joyful – honestly and sincerely! This time even more so. I do not know if my friend’s loved one tries to go it alone, but I know I did. In the past, I always felt that I should be able to come out of it with my own prayer; that I needed to do it on my own to prove that I did have faith and trust (thus remaining under the influence of manipulation). This instance, however, even though I did not actually discuss the specifics of what I was going through with anyone at the time, others knew I was struggling. The number one thing they did for me was pray for me. I knew almost immediately they were praying and felt the Holy Spirit taking back my control. Once the Holy Spirit got my attention, then He directed my thinking back toward Him and away from myself. I am so blessed beyond imagination with our new Pastor. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I thought about his homilies, talks, devotion, and genuine love for God and for his flock. I could imagine myself sitting in front of him and one by one, he would give God’s answer to my “issue” vs the devil’s. I recognized how the devil was using my vulnerabilities and overcame him. My life was filled with joy again, but not a false or temporary joy. I was able to honestly look at my faults and shortcomings and surrender them. I was able to accept that I will fail again, but our merciful God would forgive me AND continue transforming me. I can say this with confidence because a few of the same things that started me down the dark hallway this past time has already reoccurred. I was able to deal with it and move past it.
Another good thing that comes out of these episodes is that I am more contemplative. I mentioned at the beginning that I had a realization about myself. I keep saying I have low self-esteem, yet when I think back on how I was at work, I was anything but insecure. I was confident and proud of my abilities. It is when I am put in a “social” position where I might have to talk about something other than my job that I fall apart. I lose all confidence and just know I will say something stupid or not have anything to say. Always looking for approval and acceptance, it was no issue when I could “prove my value” through my skills, but without having a way to prove it in a social setting, I had to just rely on my personality….which set me up to fail because of the insecurity in anything but work (that darn vicious circle thing). The interesting thing (at least to me LOL) is what caused me to come to that realization. There is a job opening for which I immediately thought I would be perfect. The thing is, the job requires me to interact with the very people of whom I am most intimidated and insecure around (good and holy folks). But, because of my confidence in my other skills, I believed I could overcome that easily in a work setting. But, if I could do it as part of a job, why can’t I do it now outside of a job. I am going to try to keep that thought upper most in my mind. I guess the next time I have an opportunity, we will see how well I can put it into practice outside of a work setting. 😊
So, what is the point of all this rambling? Well, it is to remind us all that God loves us, is a forgiving God and His Mercy knows no bounds. But He has an enemy and His enemy is our enemy. Do not question why someone who is close to God falters, but rather pray for them. Pray that God will give them the strength they need to overcome all temptations and manipulations. On those times that they may stumble, know that God has their back and will make them even stronger for the next battle!
blessedadorer 