As I am emerge from a dark period, I realized that fear is one of satan’s strongest weapons on me and I didn’t even realize all of which I was afraid. Yes, I have and knew of my fear of Hell, loss of Heaven, power of God, but I never realized it goes beyond that. I live in constant fear of deeply offending God, but also others. I live in constant fear of disappointing God, but also others. I live in constant fear of angering God, but also others. I live in constant fear of “messing up” or failing. I live in constant fear of losing the respect of others (if and when I feel I may have gained their respect). I even would not approach the person who probably could have set me straight right away, for fear that he would think less of me.
As I sat here this afternoon reflecting on homilies and talks of the person I most admire and believe to be a good and holy priest, I started recognizing the fear which had been hidden from my mind. I cannot deny that I have felt like a total failure my entire life (yes, even as a little little child), but it is hanging on to the fear of continuing to be a failure that causes me to fall back to failing as often as I do. It is the measuring and fearing of my failure level by “others” reaction instead of truly contemplating whether I failed God, that so often causes me to do just that. The irony in this is, if I take “others” out of it, I would probably offend, disappoint, and anger God less!
The reality is that yes, I am going to fail others at times; yes, I am going to disappoint, offend, and anger others sometimes; yes, I am going to mess up and lose the respect of others sometimes. The crazy part of that is that due to “perceptions”, they may perceive that I have done those things even when I do not believe I have. Why? Because they are human also. They cannot know what is in my heart or what my intentions truly were. I cannot control how they perceive what I do or say or not do or say.
I suddenly remembered Father J’s words: I am not okay and you are not okay, but that’s okay.
The more significant reality is that yes, I am going to fail God sometimes; yes, I am going to disappoint, offend, and anger God sometimes; yes, I am going to mess up sometimes when I do not listen to God. But the difference is, He does know what is in my heart and what my intentions truly were/are. The difference is that Jesus suffered and died for me because of my sin. The difference is with the fear of doing all those things to God, I have confidence in His Mercy, His Love, His Perfection! I know He will forgive. I know He will never abandon me. As long as my focus remains on Him, I know in reality, I have nothing to fear.
blessedadorer 
Leave a comment