There are so many things that I expected to share regarding the many blessings, graces, and lessons I have received in the past 3 months, but especially just in the last 2 weeks. I never expected that what I would be moved to share was an experience of anger with God.
Lately, I have felt so blessed, elated, and joyful. I felt I was moving in the right direction and that NOTHING was going to slow me down. I believed I had totally surrendered all that I am and that He might finally being using me for good not just as an example of what not to be. I honestly tried extremely hard to make sure I was giving Him all the credit and that I was not getting full of myself. But I failed!
I was so wrapped up in what was happening to me and what I felt He was leading me to do, I was not careful in expressing myself. The old Sue that did not remember that not everyone thinks like I do, and, therefore should ensure that when I make a flippant remark in jest, that the person I am speaking to understood that it was in jest, arose again. As a result, I insulted and hurt someone who is kind, good, and has dedicated their life to serving others. The worst part is that I did not even recognize it until that very person was talking about how words can hurt or even kill.
I began to examine my conscience of all my conversations in the past several weeks. That is when it dawned on me. I was so insensitive and so wrapped up in myself, that I did not register his reaction to my words. Had I not been so self-centered, yet again, I would have recognized the reaction and immediately rectified it.
That was horrible enough, but then for the next 24 hours, I remained self-centered and not necessarily (as far as I know), hurt anyone else, but I was so consumed by my guilt, that it reflected in my interactions with others. I was so visibly upset, that I interfered with others’ prayers and caused them concern as well. I was so focused on my issue, that I failed to respond to someone’s greeting and gesture of friendship.
By now, you might be thinking “Okay, so there are plenty of reasons for God to be angry or disappointed in you. How could you possibly be angry with Him?” Well, in my last few minutes of Adoration last night, not only all that I had done both with the original conversation and my reaction afterwards came flooding back, but also, the prayer that I had made oh so earnestly over the last year when I started recognizing that he was making big changes in me. I prayed that I knew I had gotten so far away from Him that I would probably continue to fail as I made my way back, but I begged of Him to not let those failures hurt anyone else. I pleaded and felt confident that He would answer the prayer for me to stop hurting others with my selfish ways.
When I realized that my failures had caused pain in others, I got momentarily frustrated with a little anger toward Him. Why did He not protect others from me? Why did He not answer the one and only prayer that I felt confident He would answer?
How did He respond to that frustration/anger? The way He always does.. with love an understanding. Almost as soon as I expressed those thoughts and questions, He gave me peace. He reminded me that our ways are not His ways. He showed me my errors and the lessons that I should gain from it. He reminded me to trust Him and to remember, that I do not know all that He does and that in His way, He may have protected the others and/or will use it for them also. I just do not know.
So in that 30 seconds of anger I expressed toward Him for not answering my prayer, I believe He responded with an answer to my other constant prayer: Lord, help me to trust in You!
blessedadorer 
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