How can I trust when I am so unworthy?

Trust – One of my biggest struggles.  I struggle not because I do not have faith, but rather because I am so aware of my faults, sins, and failures.

Trust that He is in control – The struggle here is not that I do not believe He has the power or that all things come from and are of Him, but it is that dang free will aspect.  He does not force His Love or Will on us, so how do I trust that I am thinking, acting, responding as He would desire of me?  How do I know it is not just my stubborn will, selfishness, or sinfulness that is driving me or my circumstances?

Trust that I can be loved –  I have tried to remind myself that it is not really about me, but rather His Mercy and unconditional Love, and His Goodness within others.  Every time I think that I am accepting His Love and maybe believing others might love me too, the incomprehension of how anyone could ever do so takes over my mind again.  That just exacerbates the doubt because of the realization of my ingratitude by not trusting His Mercy and Love surpass everything, and the cycle begins again.

Trust in miracles or answers to my prayers to be “yes” – I guess really it is not a lack of trust, but rather a struggle as with IF I should trust the answer to be “yes”.  This one again is not a struggle because I don’t believe He has the Power, Love, and Mercy to grant them, but rather how do I know His Will in the situation.  Wherein I struggle with trusting that He is in control of me (again, free will and all), here, I struggle with the opposite –  when praying for something specific, I know it will be granted only if it is His Will.  “Thy Will be done” is part of prayer every time, but then the words of Jesus start ringing in my ears – “Ye of little Faith”.  I want to have faith and believe that He will answer my prayer positively, but how do I trust/know that it is His Will.  This one is probably the reason I felt compelled to write this blog.  I am currently in a Novena for an intention that I so so so so hope He will grant and I worry if I am endangering His “yes” because of my “little faith”.

They say that true knowledge of your sins is a blessing, of which I am grateful, but too often, I fear I taint this blessing by my lack of trust.   So, I continue to pray that He will teach me how to trust – True trust in and acceptance of His Love and Mercy, trust that His Will be done, and trust that I will recognize His Will in all things.