Learning to Let Go

I have been dealing with a situation for over a month now. I thought it was God teaching me humility, obedience, surrender, etc. because for the most part, the situation affected me, not others. I was happy to learn my lessons AND I thought I had completely misjudged what I thought was happening.

A couple weeks ago, I learned some things that now may involve others. My defense mode kicked in and I tried to be more aware, but I kept remembering that I believed God was telling me I had been wrong. As late as early this afternoon, I thought He was reinforcing that point. So, I prayed that I really was wrong but, that if not, that I would trust Him to handle it.

I also asked Him to tell me if I should try to change something (or be more open to Him changing it, I should say) about me that has been the way I am for as long as I can remember. As a former boss said to me one day: “You get 10 times more upset and fight 100 times harder when you think someone else is being hurt or taken advantage of than if someone is doing it to you”.   I wondered, is that truly caring and compassion, or, since I have no children, my motherly instinct coming out.. OR is it my being a control freak and/or lack of humility on my part thinking that I had to be the one to defend them (as if they were incapable of defending themselves).

Well, the “situation” reared its ugly head again.  The part that involved me was a piece of cake to deal with since I had come to terms to accept it whether I was right or wrong (again, as it applied to me only).  BUT, something happened that lead me to believe that almost without a doubt, there is a good chance that what I suspected about the “situation” was correct after all and there is  a very real possibility that someone could get hurt (not physically, but many other ways).

I experienced something I have NEVER experienced before and did not know was possible…. A calm anger.   I was calm, but extremely angry at the same time.  I say angry because I do not know another word to describe it.  My reaction surprised me although maybe it shouldn’t have. After all, I had been praying about it – every aspect.  I immediately went to God with it.  I expressed how tired I was of this kind of “situation”, that I was concerned that some unsuspecting persons would be hurt, I asked the Lord to protect them, I told Him I trusted Him.  The only thing I did not ask immediately that I should have was that either I be wrong about what I strongly believe is happening, or that He would change the “situation”.

When doing my examination of conscience tonight, at first, I thought, well this is a case of the not always black/white or all/nothing answer regarding changing the “defender me”.  Now, I am not so sure that I do not have the answer.  For now, I believe the answer is that the response to situations that bring out the “defender me” is what I needed to change.  I need to just bring it to Him and trust Him to deal with it.  If there is something that I can do other than pray, He will lead me to do it.  Otherwise, I need to just offer prayer and sacrifice and get out of His way.  After all, there is still a possibility that I may be wrong yet again.